Tales of an Ivy League Virgin

Wow.

2007-03-05T23:24:00.000-05:00

Well it's been another one of those weekends when I let go of all my built up frustration and go on a binge. Yes, a binge. The damage? Three boys kissed, two of whom I went a little further with.

One of course was my eastern European, whom I am beginning to love and hate more than ever. The other two were entirely new, Linx and another Brit, if I don't already have a Brit mentioned.

Two nights. Three boys.

Oh boy.

I need to give my blog a real update soon, I've got a few good stories built up, and they'll get stale if I don't post them soon.

Oh so lonely Saturday.

2007-01-27T21:02:00.000-05:00

There is no one around (literally), and I am not at school. So basically I am bumming around on a Saturday night. I've been so exhausted for the last couple of weeks I haven't really done much in the way of going out, but that doesn't mean much hasn't happened.

The Artist offered to teach me how to drive. I am definitely not cute enough for anyone to risk letting me behind the wheel. Oh well, I warned him. Especially once he mentioned that he drove a stick-shift. Ha, this should be fun.

We talked forever and a half last night, which was great, and I am really digging him, but I don't know. I don't know. Too far. Too much to think about.

I love Chuck. He is the best friend a girl (or guy) could ask for.

I told Mr. Perfect that I liked him.

I lied to Mr. Perfect.

I am an asshole.

My Eastern European is an asshole.

I was an asshole because my Eastern European was an asshole.

More elboration later. Regular posting to commence once I'm back on campus and things are in full swing.

I'm over it.

2007-01-16T12:07:00.000-05:00

Nik was cute for awhile, but you know what? I'm over it. The waiting around, the little things, the Ex. I am just done, absolutely done. I mean seriously, it would be one thing if it were just waiting around, but this is ridiculous, waiting around while he goes on vacation with the Ex. Screw that.

I've got a date with Billy this Saturday. A concert from the looks of it. As cool as he seems, I'm not sure I want to spend my last Saturday night of January with one guy. I mean, if there's a party, then I don't know that I want to miss it.

The twenty-eight year old has yet to return from his homeland.

Chuck is too much. Much too much.

The Artist I'm still debating about. I mean if he were here it wouldn't be a problem, but he's so far away to date in the "just getting to know you phase." Oh well, we'll see. I might go down, I thought that I might this week, but my schedule was a little more hectic than I thought it would be. But he's so adorable.

Blah. That's how I'm feeling. Just blah about everything. So much work, so little time. I'm sick of Nik, but I wish I wasn't.

Maybe I just need a break from everything and every one.

Probably.

No energy.

2007-01-15T16:07:00.000-05:00

I was supposed to go out this weekend, but I was too tired.

Geez. What a waste of a weekend. Next weekend I'm going to have to make up for lost time.

:o/

2007-01-10T02:24:00.000-05:00

My head is such a mess right now.

Growing up too fast.

2007-01-08T02:44:00.000-05:00

Can I handle an actual "date" situation with any sort of potential?

Probably not. I'm not sure I'm ready for "adult" relationships, since I haven't even had a teenage one.

Fuck.

I cannot go on a date with the Artist. I cannot go on a date with the 28 year-old.

I'm in college. I am not even old enough to drink legally. I don't have a job, or a house, or any long term projections of my life. I'm still trying to figure out what I want to do for spring break.

Hell, I'm still a virgin.

That being said, I'm going to give the Artist a call tomorrow.

Two Too Selfish.

2007-01-07T23:37:00.000-05:00

I hooked up with Italia last night. Unfortunately it turns out we were both only after one thing. A good hookup is hard to find, so I thought I was lucking out with a little commitment-free fun. My plan was to get off, one way or another, and then go to sleep. I wasn't really interested in what his plans were.

Too bad they were the same as mine. It was funny because we both told each other in a very straight forward manner. In the end, we both begrudgingly help each other out, but it ended with him finishing himself off by hand, as I fell asleep.

Yeah, awkward.

What little attention I did get was good, which only made me more frustrated. The one nice thing was that it was kind of positioned as something that could be mutually beneficial in the future (so long as we both actually held up our end of the bargin).

It would be nice to have a booty call just a text message away. Hmmmm.

He seems like he wouldn't tell anyone, which is what I was really worried about after the first time we hooked up.

Sigh.

The artist called. I need to call him back. We might be seeing each other, either here or in New York. I'm calling in a little bit to work out when and if anything is going to happen soon. That's a pretty big investment...

I love bad decisions

2007-01-06T17:40:00.000-05:00

"I can resist everything, but temptation."

--Oscar Wilde

It's true, I can resist everything, but temptation. I should finish the twenty page paper I'm working on that's due on Tuesday. Or maybe start other twenty page paper due on Thursday. Maybe the ten page paper due on Friday.

Nope.

There's a party that might be pretty good tonight. I can't say no.

Unfortunately, the club hosting it isn't one of my favorites, but since it's the first weekend back I'm hoping that it will be pretty good.

I am an idiot. I am also okay with that.

If I get a drunk I am probably going to wind up calling Italia. I don't know if that's a bad thing, I haven't decided quite yet...

Keeping it light...

2007-01-05T22:38:00.000-05:00

I totally forgot to mention that I had lunch with Nik yesterday! It was the cutest thing in the world, he stopped by the cafe to eat lunch with me!

Ahhh!!!!

Oh! Italia keeps inviting me to study with him, and it's just kind of fun. Last night he went out and he texted me when he was drunk and asked me to come over.

I really want to hook up with Italia.

I really like Nik.

I really want to hang out with Billy.

I really am just giddy all over.

I really, really, want to hook up with Italia.

Emotional Ambiguity

2007-01-05T16:35:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted anything about Chuck recently, but only because I've been so confused. We haven't stopped talking. We haven't stopped texting. We haven't stopped writing.

He took a roadtrip two days before I left for New Year's, and then I was gone for two days. By the time I was heading back, we hadn't spoken in almost four days and he sent me a text that just said: "i miss you." How do you miss someone you don't see? I hate to admit it, but I missed talking to him too, but I have no idea if it were for the same reasons.

Conversations have become more intense. More revealing. More trusting. We both realized how different it would be if he were here. He would have just been another Friday night story -- only interesting until Saturday morning.

He has become one of my closest friends in a very short period of time. Even though he's 3000 miles away, I talk to him more than I talk to people I live two rooms away from.
-----

As I was writing this post, Chuck called. After a lengthy conversation, I had to then respond to an earlier email.

It's too much for me.

I think I need to distance myself. Not just for me. I just don't know if I am a worthwhile use of his time and engery, when he needs to focus on getting himself together. It sounds selfish, but I don't want to become a source of stability for him. I want to be supportive of him, but being so far away and involved in so many other things (and people), I am not sure it would be good for him to make emotional investment in me.

Sometimes he says beautiful things. I wish he were here, but I don't at all.

Can you get attached to some one you can't touch?

We have grown close over the the distance, we had only just met a few days before he left. I just need to know wheather or not we have the same understanding of our relationship. It's good from a distance, it can't become something romantic because there's no physical aspect to it (or than that first night), and it's just a friendship.

Right?

Where do all of my hours go?

2007-01-04T08:24:00.000-05:00

In the last two nights I have slept a total of six hours. Not because I've been out late or doing something fun, but because I have been stuck working on the sixty pages of papers I have to hand in within the next week and a half. Of those sixty pages, I have written... one and a half. Only fifty-eight more to go!

Now to continue my recapitulation of recent events in my ever evolving relationships (you've got to love alliteration like that).

After our missed coffee date before winter break, the 28 year-old from the coffee shop decided to "compenstate." This was the email he sent me right the day after classes ended:

"Im very sorry I couldnt c u this week, but i'll be back at the end of
january, and we should definetely (and finally) get together... though at this
point it looks like we should aim at dinner to compensate the delay.. which I
would be very much delighted with"

I said yes, but I don't know. The more I think about it, the less I think it will work. I mean, what would I talk to him about, how much it sucks that I'm not old enough to buy my own drinks? Yeah, awkward. I guess this is my freak out reaction. Instead of seeing where things could possibly go, I just want to end it before it starts. I don't want to be disappointed, I'd much rather be happy with the way things are.

New Year's was a blast. I was in New York at a party full of artists. Male artists. Drool. I hooked up with a painter (if you guessed that his nickname is "the Painter," you were right), and it was actually kind of... cute. We just made out and [don't hold this against me] cuddled [shudder]. We talked over the phone the next day for about forty-five minutes, and it was kind of nice. That's all I can describe it as: nice. It wasn't awkward, it wasn't weird, it was just good. He's too far away to pursue anything with, but I almost wish he wasn't. He is absolutely adorable, talented, and a good person (he volunteers with a creative writing program for low-income students in NY). The Painter graduated from a liberal arts college in '06, so he's just old enough to be "older," but not old enough to have babysat me (like the twenty-eight year-old). I was in la-la land while we were in his bed, but once I got back to school that bubble burst pretty quickly.

Aside from the Painter, another character has resurfaced in my life. I've dubbed him "Billy" for his hillbilly roots, and I couldn't be more pleased with our recent correspondence. I'm not even sure how we began talking again, I met him through Toby, and we talked for awhile before it just kind of fizzled out. Busy schedules. He goes to school nearby, and has a hell of an interesting life. I don't want to give out too many details about him because he's pretty distinctive, but I will promise that the events last two years of his life could be inpiration for episodes of "Grey's Anatomy," "The Great Race," and "Days of Our Lives." Drama, hilarity, and just plain insanity.

We have tentitive plans to go see a movie and maybe grab dinner. I haven't mentioned it to Toby yet, but I'm sure she won't mind. At least I don't think so. I know she's wanted him to visit for awhile, but if she had really wanted to see him she probably would have made more of an effort. I don't know why I haven't told her that me and Billy have started speaking again, for some reason it seems like an awkward thing to bring up. Then again, what if she suggested to him that we get in-touch? I don't know.

After my four hours of sleep last night (well, four hours of lying in bed pretending to be asleep at least), I have to start getting ready for my day. Oh, and I forgot to mention Italia. He's just going to have to wait, the shower is calling my name.

So much to say, so much to say.

2007-01-03T02:13:00.000-05:00

Well I since I was home for break I decided to take a little hiatus from blogging. In part due to the fact that I was spending a lot of time away from the computer, visiting friends and such, but mostly because when I'm home I'm just lazy. Sheer laziness.

Anyway, since it's been awhile a little recap is way overdue. To whet your appetite, I have been asked on a date, asked to travel to a foreign country, met someone entirely new, made out with person who is entirely new, had great falafel (yes, that belongs on the list), been the belle of the ball, was an idiot, learned my lesson, had my first orgasm of the new year, oh and did I mention the falafel?

So the house formal (Thursday night) was pretty amazing, I looked cute in my strapless mini-dress, I was feeling good, and excited to see Nik. Even though we never made plans to go together, he assured me that he was attending. The big problem was that I was slightly drunk by the time he got there. He had a late class, so he wound up showing up in the clothes he had worn to class - a little under-dressed, to say the least - but he came anyway. It was really cute when he came, he tried to strike up conversation with me, and being the genius that I am I ignored him. I was so paranoid about coming off as "too drunk," so I decided it was best if I just avoided him. Unfortunately, being drunk, I didn't pull it off as smoothly as I would have liked. Instead of saying "excuse me one moment," or something even reasonably intelligent, I walked away while he was in midsentence. I was proud of my plan too, until Taylor told me that I was nuts, and looked totally rude. I realized that later on my own anyway, I was just hoping that no one else had noticed.

The formal the next night was a little less eventful, but afterward I headed to a bigger party that was pretty fun. I didn't hook up with any one, or even consider it, since the party was at the gentlemen's clubs I was going for cocktails at the next night. I didn't want to come off as trampy before I actually had be a demure and docile date. After that party we headed to another club for a party, that I got groped at and left really angrily. This guy was following me around and then when he went to dance with me he blatanly felt me up, and I ran away, found Taylor and left. It was possible that it was less intentional than I thought it was, but honestly I don't care, he should have watched his hands. Either way, it was gross, he was gross, and I'm glad I didn't stick around.

Saturday night was the cocktail party, and I wore a pretty dress and felt like a princess. I was in such a good mood, and I went to bed floating on air. I went with Martin, who is absolutely amazing. I only got to see my Eastern European for a minute, and I thought that he was kind of cold. He was with this girl who apparently "fucked" him (to quote him), and that he thinks is really hot. He kept asking me what I thought of her over the next week, and I never actually told him that I thought she looked like of like a transexual with a bad wig. I guess she was okay. It felt like he was trying to throw her in my face or something, like I would get jealous or something, but he also kept telling me how he would never date her, and that he isn't looking for a relationship with anyone, let alone her. He was also having sex with girls in Europe over Christmas break, which he told me about, so I'm not really sure why he wanted me to be jealous of his Tranny-date.

Anyway, I'll save some more interesting things for tomorrow, but I'll end on this:
Nik's Ex invited me along on their trip to Iceland. How weird is that? We had a class together, but we're definitely not good friends. DEFINITELY not close enough for international traveling. In fact, the only times we've spoken this year have been randomly through Nik. Seriously, strange. This was tonight, after she invited me (completely randomly) to have dinner with her. We went from saying "hi" in passing, to making vacation plans together in about five minutes. She invited me randomly via facebook, I decided to go, since I was curious as to why she invited me in the first place. She was there with a bunch of people, we ate, we talked, and boom. I don't think she expected me to say yes (of course I didn't), and she asserted that Nik is her BEST friend here, so I'm not sure what she was getting at.

What are people getting at these days?

Oh, and in case you were wondering, my New Year's resolution is to make the best of life, no matter what my circumstances. I don't want to look back and regret anything ;o)

What's going on?

2006-12-14T01:42:00.000-05:00

So the situation for the formal has gotten a little confusing. Taylor doesn't know if she's going "with" Austin, the whole "group" idea has kind of fallen apart, no one knows what the Model is doing, but we're all kind of hoping he's not coming alongl. I think I am going to give my extra ticket to a friend, especially since Taylor (Austin by proxy), and Nik will arriving be a half an hour to an hour late.

I need to find someone to pick me up some vodka, and I need to make sure that Nik is at least as tipsy as I plan on being. I'm not going to get trashed, I've got a long weekend. Two formals, the one tomorrow and then another Friday, another party on Friday, and then a date dinner at my favorite gentleman's club on Saturday.

At least I'll finally get to wear all of the dresses I've been buying. I'll have to be really good at the dinner on Saturday, I don't want anyone bringing up what happened the other weekend... that could just be embrassing. I'm going with Martin, who is pretty much one of my favorite people on campus these days. I know the dinner will be fun, I really just don't need anyone knowing about things that might have happened with certain members.

If everything going half as well as I hope it will tomorrow, I should have something exciting to post...

Nope.

2006-12-12T13:21:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I was going to ask Nik to the formal, but I have decided against that. Instead I'm going to go in a group with Taylor, Austin, and a guy I have affectionately dubbed, "The Model." I'm guessing since it's turned into a group situation that Nik will just come along with Austin.

The Model and I aren't exactly "friends," but we talk when we run into each other, and he seems pretty harmless. He's extremely handsome, but for some reason I am just not attracted to him. Despite having the best bone structure I've ever seen in my life, clear blue eyes, and a mop of dark hair, he for some reason just doesn't do it for me. He's a transfer student and has only been here for a year, but it seems like a lot of people think he's kind of a jerk. He's definitely a little vain, but I wouldn't call him a jerk.

Anyway, the formal is the day after tomorrow, and then I have another one on Friday. I'm pretty excited for Thursday, and hopefully I'll finally figure out if I want to wait for Nik, or if I should just move on. I think I got really frustrated with him and that's why I wound up kissing more than a few boys on that fateful night.

Oh, and speaking of that fateful night, I saw the Grizzly in the dining hall last night. I was so exhausted and probably loked like I had just been hit by a truck. Always faithful to the naked rule, I pretended I didn't see him. I don't feel awkward around him or anything, that's not the issue, I just didn't want someone who has seen me naked, see me look like Whitney Houston after a crack binge.

I'm in the class that Italia is in, and he's not here for like the second week straight. I kind of miss him. And my shoes.

whoops

2006-12-10T20:13:00.000-05:00

I just locked myself outside of my room wearing nothing but a pair of underpants. Seriously, I was publicly flashing full frontal nudity. Thank God, no one walked by in the five minutes I was standing in the hallway pounding on my door, while my roommate was in the shower.

That was more than a little embarrassing.

In other news, Austin has a friend from his homeland visiting and won't be attending the study break tonight.
Add that to the fact that I have a midterm tomorrow morning and it suddenly feels like nothing is going my way tonight.

Sigh.

partner in crime

2006-12-10T19:28:00.000-05:00

I have discovered a fabulous new partner in crime. Taylor is a good friend of one of my best friends, Tobi. Taylor is another Ivy League virgin, and we just recently discovered that we are practically the same person.

We just hatched plan "Winter Formal," which will commence later tonight. Basically, we're hoping to go to the formal as a "group," she with Austin and me with Nik. I explained to her the entire Nik situation, and she agrees that he is frustratingly slow and ambiguous, and that his Ex situation is a little suspicious - especially now that it's been confirmed that they are planning a trip to Iceland together... who plans a platonic trip to Iceland with their ex-girlfriend?

So the plan is tonight when there's a house study break, we're going to ask Austin if he wants to come with us as a group. Then he'll bring Nik. Then we'll get them drunk and have our way with them. Genius, pure genius.

Now I don't have to ask Nik, and I get to wear my new dress. Life is wonderful.

Public Opinion Poll

2006-12-09T21:32:00.001-05:00

What's the least awkward way to tell someone that you're a virgin?

Discuss.

Post-Kiss Paranoia

2006-12-09T16:55:00.000-05:00

So after the kiss with me EE last week, I was hoping things were back to normal.

In the last two days I feel like we've talked less, and that he's been less prone to initiating conversations. I know that he has a lot to do and everything, but I still can't help but feel like he found out about one of the other guys from last weekend, or that he's just weirded out or something.

I don't know, I just had a conversation with him and it felt so flat. I hate that. I wish we hadn't kissed.

But I also kind of wish we could kiss again.

Why am I so confused?

I also might be hanging out with Cheek in a little while. I figured I just go along with whatever is going on with him, so once he's done with his community service group, we might watch a little more TV.

Blah.

A clever ploy?

2006-12-09T15:33:00.000-05:00

So yesterday I watched some TV with one of Nik's extended roommates. They live one floor down from each other and are really close friends. At first this seemed innocent enough, the invitation itself was sparked by a dinner time conversation that I didn't realize would turn into actual time spent hanging out.

Anyway, Nik's roommate, whom we'll call "Cheeks" because he has these adorable cheeks, called me on Friday and asked if I wanted to come over. I was working at the cafe and he stopped by to wait until my shift was over. Once it was done, we headed back to his room and as soon as we got there he called Nik. He called him two or three times and then he finally got frustrated and said "what the fuck is he doing?" as if he was expecting Nik to be around waiting for him. While he was calling Nik, Cheek's also mentioned that he "might have to leave early," but we could hang out there until he got back - which pretty much was a dead give away.

We settled onto the couch and started watching, and I asked for a blanket - on cold days, I love watching TV when I'm all curled up and warpped in a blanket. I stretched out a little bit and kind of tossed my legs over Cheeks. This wouldn't have been so weird, but a few minutes later I realized that he was stroking my leg. Not in an overtly sketchy way - his hand remained above the blanke - but definitely in an "I'm obviously stroking your leg" kind of way, that made me wonder if he was doing it just because of the way we were sitting or because he wanted to stroke my leg.

I didn't have to wait too long to figure it out, because eventually he did put his hand under the blanket and was then stroking my leg in an "I am definitely stroking your leg and you're either going to let me or punch me, but I'm willing to take my chances" kind of way.

I didn't stop him, but I probably should have.

I'm not sure if he invited me over so that I could hang out with Nik, especially since Austin said that I should hang out with their friends more in order to hang out with Nik and take things "slowly." I don't know if Nik's other friends have since gotten in on some sort of clever ploy to get us to hang out, which was my first thought when Cheek's called him as soon as we got to the room (and no, he didn't bother trying to call any of our other mutual friends), or if he wanted to hang out, or if he wanted to hang out and [*shudder*] cuddle.

There were a few mixed messages sent yesterday. I'm still trying to figure them out. Only I'm worried that the leg stroking might be passed on to Nik, whether it was a plan to get us to hang out or not. I don't know, I don't know.

And then hanging out with Mr. Perfect later that night was just baffling. It's nice to just hang out with him, but I don't know what it means or what message it sends when I do hang out with him. We hung out for abour four hours, just watching TV and stuff, lying in his bed and on their couch. He's made his friends play nice with me, and I'm kind of surprised they actually listened.

I just want Nik to ask me to the formal (Yes, I did buy a new dress today. Yes, yes it does look good, and obviously I want Nik to see it). The formal less than a week away and my window of opportunity is getting smaller and smaller.

Shudder...

2006-12-09T01:50:00.000-05:00

I just got out of a kind-of-cuddle session with Mr. Perfect. He listened to me rant and we watched DVDs all night. Saddly, this was one of the most satisfying Friday nights I have had in a long time.

I think I need a drink.

Still haven't...

2006-12-07T23:54:00.000-05:00

Asked Nik to the formal. I don't think I am going to do it either, I am way too nervous about it - no matter how much Austin tries to assure me that it's a good idea.

I got into a "fight" with Mr. Perfect. He was complaining about the "disconnect" in our "friendship." I don't know what it is, I just freak out at the thought of alone time with him. In my head I think it's a good idea, but then when he puts an arm around me, or starts stroking my hair, I just freak out. So I avoid it at all costs. But I happen to love him as a friend, so I keep saying that we should hang out more. I don't know, it's not just me though, it's him too.

I talked to Chuck and talked to his little brother on the phone. It was cute and made me smile.

Life is going so well, even though it doesn't seem to be going at all. I'm just content.

Maybe this weekend will be good... I don't even know what that means anymore. I don't know if I want to just hook up with someone. I don't know if I just want to sit around watching a movie. I don't know, I don't know.

Okay, I do kind of just want to hook up with someone, but definitely not like last weekend. Four guys, one night, that's a record I am not looking to break anytime soon. But maybe a "date," or something like it would be nice? I don't want to cuddle or anything, I'm not turning into a sappy estrogen filled teddybear, but I would like to see one of these things turn into something. Or at least a little something more than they've been in the past.

Considerations

2006-12-07T16:37:00.000-05:00

I need a relationship. Not I do not "want," I actually *need* a relationship. Why? Because I'm going on twenty and I would love to have sex, but unfortunately I do not want have sex with someone random that I do trust, care about, blah, blah, blah, et cetera.

I think that there needs to be some foundation of trust, and the assumption that sex is a mutual responsibility. Too many things can go wrong, too many things can happen, too many attachment issues that I really just don't want to deal with. In other words, I want to make sure that whoever the lucky fella is really actually cares about me.

Why the sudden consideration? Maybe it's because I'm a half way to forty-year old virgin. Maybe it's because it's getting harder to stop myself when I'm in bed with a guy. Maybe it's just because.

Don't get any crazy ideas, I have no plans on just going out and having sex with someone. I am making considerations though. What is it that I am looking for in a guy? In a "relationship?" Is it even feasible to date someone older, say by about ten years, if I'm a virgin? Clearly expectations will be different.

This past weekend I realized as I had an attractive male on top of me, that I really did physically want to have sex with him. Luckily he went down like a champ, otherwise I would have left the next morning feel pretty unsatisfied. I had no problem saying no to him, it was me I had to control.

Schedules.

2006-12-06T16:38:00.000-05:00

According to my schedule and my five thousand commitments per week, I am a very busy person. Lucky for me, I don't mind skipping a few things every now and then.

Today I have skipped two classes, a section, and tutoring. This week I have skipped five classes, a section, and other assorted things, yet for some reason I've still be really busy. Maybe I need to work on getting a good schedule down, but I actually kind of like the way things are going. I don't generally flake out on things that I volunteer to do, but today I'm actually starting to feel sick and I have a temperature so I figured it would be better not to work with kids this afternoon.

Classes are an entirely different thing. I only go if I feel like I HAVE to go. This semester I just haven't really felt committed to any of them. I'm doing well in the classes I enjoy is the worse part - I should have some incentive to go, but I do. The one class I absolutely abhor, I'm not doing so hot in, but I don't really care either.

Anyway, long story short, I am trying to fit the Cafe Guy into my schedule, since he emailed me to re-schedule coffee. Yes, I am back to being elated. The Dem also sent me a facebook message, so we'll see where that goes.

A lot of things to look forward to coming up!

my saviors.

2006-12-05T21:00:00.000-05:00

I went to dinner with the Hippie. We just ate in the dining hall. I looked into his eyes and forgot how in love with him I am.

By the time I got back to my room, every thing else that happened today seemed pretty trivial. He put me in a good mood. A very good mood indeed.

Oh, and Chuck called. He helped too. He talked me through every thing and made me realize that nothing is too big of a deal. One day. Things are still looking up. I told him I was a virgin for the first time too. He was caught a little off-guard and didn't really hide his surprise when "really?" popped out of his mouth. He also called me "aggressive." He said that I was an aggressive kisser and aggressive in life, but that it wasn't a bad thing, it was good. It was just my way of approaching things - constantly trying to work things out and taking the lead before things can go wrong. He said that it was a good thing, and I'll believe him.

The Hippie and I are going to hang out again next week. I am pleased. I can never tell if it's a purely platonic vibe with him or not. It's very strange. The intensity of his blue eyes, and the way he listens to every word you say. Sigh. He's basically every girl's dream.

Life is good.

twelve minutes.

2006-12-05T17:52:00.000-05:00

Today's Tuesday transpired as traumatically as the last. You've got to love that alliteration.

Just when it feels like every thing is looking up, it all comes crashing down.

Maybe its because I only got forty minutes of sleep last night. Maybe its because I got an email from a teaching assistant saying that my grade is in jeopardy on account of two missing homeworks. Maybe its because its so cold.

The last twenty-four hours have brought me tumbling back down to reality.

I am not the girl who gets the guy. I am not the girl who goes on dates. I am not the girl who has healthy long-term relationships.

I am the girl who manages to sabotage every potential relationship she's ever had. I am the girl who always tries to look cute because on the inside I 'm just mess.

I am the girl who misses him by twelve minutes.

I missed my five o'clock coffee date by twelve minutes. I was at the banking fixing a problem I was having with my accounts, and I ran out as soon as I was finished. My friend told me that he had left a few minutes before. She didn't call to say he was waiting, she didn't call and say that he was leaving, she didn't try to stop him. She just waited five minutes and then called me to tell me he had left. I had been so excited. So fucking excited.

I didn't see Nik this morning at breakfast like Austin said I would. I'm not going to ask him to the formal. I don't need to add "REJECTION" to the list of things that have gone wrong today. Or tomorrow. Or the day after that.

I wonder what would have happened if I had gotten there in time.

should I, or shouldn't I?

2006-12-05T01:50:00.000-05:00

So Nik is definitely not going with the Ex to the formal. Austin sent me a text message saying that I should ask him because he'll definitely say yes.

Hmm. I guess I should decide whether or not to ask him pretty soon. I don't want to ask him until I know what prompted Austin to suddenly suggest moving things forward. I mean granted we could go as "just friends," but an actual date event seems pretty... "date-y."

If any one thinks that I should ask him, or should not ask him, please leave me a comment or send me an email.
I don't really like making my own decisions, I would much rather leave it up to an objective audience. A little guidence would be great.

wow. just wow.

2006-12-04T22:35:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I started today still basking in the afterglow of my Saturday night. Who knew things could possibly get better? Yes, oh, yes they did.

First things first, guess who has a coffee date with a sexy cafe-frequenting-twenty-eight year old Chilean? This girl. That's right, my Cafe Guy came into day, after a three week hiatus, and this time he actually made plans to have coffee with me tomorrow!! I was in shock when he left and I literally could not speak for about three minutes, when I was able to finally start uttering the words "oh my God," over and over. It was honestly such a surprise to see him that I would have been happy enough had he just come in and made some flirtatious small talk. I was considering sending him a facebook message last week, but kept forgetting and putting it off. Lo and behold, he came in today and actually asked me to go to coffee with him. I think it's funny that he asked a girl in a coffee shop to coffee, but whatever, conveneince trumps orginality. Ah!!! Okay, I am so excited about this I can't even think about it.

Then to make my day even better, I finally got the indepth scoop on Nik from Austin. So Austin confirmed that Nik is into me, and to quote: "really, really, likes hanging out" with me, but Austin also said that he moves REALLY slowly. Apparently it took him SEVEN MONTHS to hook up with the Ex. The bad news is, Austin also thinks that there is still something going on between him and the Ex. Austin said that they both claim absolutely nothing is happening, but the amount of time they spend hanging out and the fact that they're planning a trip to Iceland together over an upcoming break is pretty suspect. I'm actually okay with just knowing that. I feel good enough knowing that it wasn't entirely in my head, and it's not a one-sided crush situation. I didn't ask Austin about the formal, but now I am assuming that Nik is definitely going with the Ex. Austin said that he would set up some mutual hanging out, because its just not in Nik's character to initate things. Oh, and I can't remember if I mentioned this in an earlier post, but Nik also has mono, which would make any sort of hanging out (let alone hooking up) tough even if he were more forward. Austin was actually really surprised to find out that Nik had even admitted having a crush on me that night, which he said was really fast and forward for Nik to move with anything. I'm sure the bigger roadblock is the Ex, especially since that's where he got the mono, but once again I don't really mind if he's still working things out with her now that I know it's not stopping him from trying to start things with me.

In other words, I am very content with the way things have turned around after three or four weeks of feeling kind of blah about my boy situation. After this weekend I am physically satisfied - even if I am short one pair of shoes (Italia took them back to his dorm... long story, it's not nearly as weird as it sounds. Okay, maybe it is), and more importantly, I am happy about guys that I can actually see something happening with. I don't know how things with Nik will turn out, or even if I have the patience to wait and see where it goes, but Austin assured me that I shouldn't put things with other people on hold. I like the idea of letting things develop slowly with Nik and continuing with other persuits; in a certain way, it feels like I get to have my cake and eat it too. Just knowing that he's interested is enough, I don't have to agonize over whether or not I just imagined everything.

Anyway, I should probably start that paper due tomorrow, but to be completely honest, I am probably going to giggle and facebook stalk Cafe Guy and Nik until my little heart's content.

don't think too hard.

2006-12-04T13:18:00.000-05:00

Sometimes when you think about things too hard you start to have questions that you don't want to answer. Right now I am wondering why exactly I am so freaked out about the thought of anything happening with EE, and what would happen if he found out that something had happened with another guy(s) when I ran off on Saturday night. I mean, he really is terrible - he teases me constantly, he's insensitive, self-centered, and a man-whore. But for some reason I don't dislike any of that about him, I actually like him more for it. He never tries to impress me, he's always honest with him, he calls me out on my bullshit, he's funny, he's smart, he's sincere, and most importantly, he makes me feel good about myself without trying.

I have known EE since my first semester, we took a seminar together and then he decided to take another class with me. We started out as kind of class friends, asking about assignments and things like that. Then we started joking around (well, he started joking around) about having sex and blah, blah, blah. Somehow we wound up becoming really good friends, and he's one of the few people that I talk to on a regular basis. I don't always give him the details, in fact, I never give him the details of and hook ups with guys, but he knows about every thing that goes on in my life outside of that. He always listens too, which is my favorite thing about him. He knows when I'm fishing for compliments, and he's quick to point it out, and I love that about him. He sees past my petty vanity and I don't want that to end. I really feel like hooking up with him could potentially ruin all of that, because I feel like he would see me differently. Right now he's into the idea of me, but it's much better that hooking up stays an idea than actually happens.

On Saturday night he was definitely the person I wanted to leave with the most. I just couldn't.

When he kissed me it was so perfect, even if there were other people in the room. We were cornered on the stairs just talking, and suddenly he kissed me, really quickly and softly, pulled away and looked me in the eye and said (in his crazy accent of course), "okay?" and it wasn't until I nodded yes, that he kissed me again. It was a good kiss too. Very good. Soft, but commanding. Just a enough tongue, not sloppy or covered in drool.

I guess my way of not screwnig things up with him, is just finding other people to screw around with.

And for the record, he went home alone.

it takes two

2006-12-04T10:17:00.000-05:00

Okay, so Saturday night was fun. A lot of fun. I did a little jumping around and managed to hook up with Italia and the Grizzly on the same night. The Grizzly pretty kind of understood what was going on, when I left his room to "check up on my roommate" and then came back and had to leave again. Italia was really drunk, and by the time he left really pissed. I should have just picked one or the other, but sometimes a girl wants to have her cake and eat it too.

The Grizzly was absolutely fantastic, and Italia was a good kisser, but I wasn't really into anything else he was doing. The high light of my night was the Grizzly going down. Honestly, he was way better than average and when it's been awhile, even average can seem amazing. Needless to say, there was a toe-curling orgasm, which would have been perfect if my foot hadn't literally cramped up. Has that happened to anyone else? You feel great, you're in the throes of an orgasm, and all of a sudden your foot is cramped? It's kind of funny in retrospect actually.

Because I was so pleased with his performance, I gave in and decided to go down on him. It was only fair. I gave up on my hand job because A.) My wrist started to feel like I had carpal tunnel syndrome and B.) He said no one had ever gotten him off by hand except for himself. I (ready for the world's worst pun?) sucked it up (I told you.) and went down, which he during and after said that it was the best he had ever gotten. Despite that praise, I still have not mastered the art of the hand job.

it's all about last night's party.

2006-12-03T08:14:00.000-05:00

It is definitely 8:24 in the morning. I am definitely just getting back to my room.

So last night I had these huge plans to go to three different parties. Lucky for me, I only had to go to the first party to call it a night.

For the quick overview, here is a list of my night:
Eastern European (Kiss)
Dem (Kiss... by the way he's not new to me, but he's just resurfacing since last year, now)
Italia (Make out)
The Grizzly (an Orgasm I'm still recovering from)

I guess all of that pent-up frustration just unleashed itself to the world. Last night there were so many options, I couldn't help myself from having a little taste of every thing. I left my room sober and ready to find someone to take out all of my frustration with Nik on. I put on a little black dress (and when I say little, think "Lindsay Lohan"), the hottest underwear I have, and just enough eyeliner to show that I meant business.

I headed straight to my favorite gentlemen's club, and was a little disappointed when I saw SO many girls. Never deterred, I first ran into Dem, short for "the Demoract," who is a guy that I had a serious crush on last year. He is absolutely adorable, incredibly sweet and understanding, and absolutely hilarious. I am pretty enamoured with him, and mildly disappointed he isn't the one I went home with, but that was only because of a misunderstanding. Not to mention, he's a virgin (and not because he's Catholic), and despite the fact that I am one too, I perfer guys with a little more experience - it usually makes for a munch better night all around. Anyway, I had a few drinks and got a little bold and we kissed for the first time - FINALLY - and sadly it wasn't the fireworks I had hoped for all through freshman year. A little sloppy, which might have been because he was drunk, and just too much tongue. Way too much tongue. Anyway, I was I was going to leave with him, but I didn't want Italia or EE to see me leaving with him (since they're both active persuits), so I told him to meet me somewhere in five minutes, I was just going to grab my coat.

It took me a little longer than five minutes. It was closer to twenty-five minutes, but hey, that doesn't mean I wasn't going to show up! I did, and I was disappointed, but not surprised he wasn't there. I had to fight through a crowd of people for my coat and I ran into a bunch of people that I know, so it wasn't my fault I couldn't get there in time. Okay, maybe I could have tried a little harder, and if there hadn't been so much tongue, I definitely would have tried a little harder.

I headed back inside and saw EE, and after a year of mutual flirtation, he kissed me. It was actually really really good. Like really, really, really good. It was at that second that I realized I should not leave with him. EE and I are really good friends and I like him too much, and in way too many ways to let anything happen. Not to mention, I would have been really upset if hooking up did ruin our friendship - which it would - and even more upset if he didn't like me as much as I like him. I freaked out and told him I had to go.

On my way out I pretty much had to choose whether I was going to go to another party, go back with the Grizzly, who had extended a pretty explicit invitation while we were dancing together, or Italia who I had seen a bunch of times and said he'd be ready to go when I was. Unfortunately, Italia was working the bar when I was on my way out. That made my decision for me, and I grabbed the Grizzly and ran.

Just because I left with the Grizzly, doesn't mean I didn't see Italia later.

When we got back to his room, I layed down the "no sex" rule, which he didn't care about. The kissing, good. The Feeling, good. The fingering, great. The oral, fantastic. I don't know if that's just how boys in the south do it, or what, but he didn't stop until I was finished, and with his hands he actually knew what he was looking for and what he was doing. Just thinking about it is kind of making me tingly.

There is a whole lot more to this story, and a whole lot more about my attempt at the perfect hand job (which I'm now thinking is impossible), but right now I'm about to pass out. Just to whet your appetite, there was a fire alarm, Italia, my shoes getting lost, and some of the best insights about hand jobs I've ever had.

Thank God for Saturday nights. I just wish they didn't always turn into Sunday mornings.

Oh, and did I mention that the oral was just fantastic? Good. Just making sure.

why do you torment me?

2006-12-01T15:34:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow is the LSAT, which means there are no parties allowed on campus tonight. Roughly translated, there are no big parties that will offer aa chance run in with Nik in mutual states of intoxication.

Ah! Maybe I'll find someone else to keep me busy.

determined

2006-12-01T00:32:00.000-05:00

Okay, this weekend if I don't pounce on Nik, I am officially giving up.

Maybe.

A helping hand.

2006-11-30T20:13:00.000-05:00

I have a question that is more burning than Paris Hilton's syphilis:

How do guys feel about Hand Jobs?

I mean, I know that some girls think that any way you touch a penis it feels good, but I think every guy in the world will acknowledge that isn't the case. I mean there are a lot of factors that play into a hand job, and each guy likes it differently, so there is no "right" way to do it. It's a little awkward to do in the first place, and positioning can make it damn near impossible.

So how do you make sure you go about it right? And how do you make it less awkward than it already is? I mean, I know a lot of guys would say that fingering a girl is more complicated (and I don't doubt that, unless you've gotten enough practice it can be hard to know exactly what to do), but honestly I think that Hand Jobs are just as difficult and are actually physically more awkward to perform.

Not to mention, there is always lingering thought: "does he wish he just did it himself?" Especially if it kind of drags on, and even if he looks (and sounds) like he's enjoying it, after a few minutes, my wrist hurts, and I'm wondering if it's ever going to end. Some guys are pretty foward about saying how they like it, or even guiding your hand for a second just to get the right rhythm going, but I think others just sit and suffer through some pretty miserable hand jobs.

The biggest issue is that it's easy to make a hand job a literally painful experience. Penises do not come with a self-lubrication system, and everyone knows that chaffing anywhere is painful. As awkward as it might be, I think guys would be better off if they just suggested add some lotion into the equation.

I'm also always afraid of gripping too hard. I play it safe and start off really softly and wait for some sort of sign to add any pressure. I know that I would much rather a guy start slowly and softly when he's working on me, so that I can build up to the point where it feels the best, but if he starts out too rough than it's harder to get him to ease up without freaking out that he's hurting me, which kind of kills the mood. I've talked to a few guys who said that the worse thing in the world is a girl with a kung-fu grip, but they also added that they don't usually say anything because they don't want to offend the girl. I mean, that's a nice thought, but you're not doing a girl any favors by letting her go back out into the world cutting off the circulation in the crotch of the next guy she hooks up with.

All of that just makes me wonder whether or not guys appreciate hand jobs at all. Would they rather just skip them all together and then finish themselves off later? Is it always better if a guy does it himself? I know a lot of guys aren't expecting to get laid that first night, but is a hand job a satisfying alternative? Does anyone still give Hand Jobs anymore?

Discuss.

Frightening.

2006-11-30T03:22:00.000-05:00

Chuck told me over the phone tonight that he was terrified of my mind. He did not mean this in a negative way, quite conversely, he said that he overwhelmed and impressed by my thoughts.

Crazy stuff. He really knows how to stroke an ego. It is too bad I might not get to experience him stroking anything else.

Sigh.

If I only had the nerve.

2006-11-29T21:19:00.000-05:00

I really want to go with Nik to our fast-approaching winter house formal.

I don't want to ask him. I don't want to go by myself and hope he is there.

I just want him to ask me. Is that really so much to ask? I don't care if it's 2006, and women should have no problems taking the initiative, no one male or female wants to be the one who risks being rejected.

I think he is going to take the Ex, since it would be convenient. They have a ton of mutual friends, it wouldn't be awkward, and it would take the pressure off needing to find a date. She doesn't live in our dorm, but my guess would be that he would also attend her dorm's winter formal with her. I have no idea if they're actually planning on doing this, but it makes sense. They all went to the freshman formal together last year, so why not again this year?

It's exactly two weeks from tomorrow, and I'd like to know whether or not he has a date fairly soon. If I knew for certain that he had no intention of going with her than I would probably come up with a complicated-kind-of-kooky-I-love-Lucy-esque pla that would probably invovle a lot of text messaging and third parties, so that I could inadvertanly ask him to ask me. Yes, I know, I have the emotional maturity of a sixth grader. And yes, I also know that it would probably be easier just to ask him, but obviously I am not going to do that.

Regardless of the date situation, I really want to go to the formal anyway, since I love getting dressed up, but I am not going to buy a ticket for one, and I don't think any of my female friends in my dorm are planning on going (unless of course someone asks them). Le sigh.

Great Expectations.

2006-11-29T10:20:00.000-05:00

French, Feel, Finger, Fuck. The Four Fs of hooking up, usually taught to gossiping junior high students to as "the bases," never change (though some aruge that "French, Finger, Suck, Fuck" might be the bases of the future. What does change is expectations.

Sorry for the hertronormative slant, but what do guys expect in a "hook up" when you get to college? In high school making out, maybe hitting second base, was all a guy could really expect. Nowadays, it seems like guys go into hooking up with this "I hope I get off" mentality, which doesn't mean that they're assuming they're going to get laid, but a lot seem to feel like just seeing some nipples is enough to justify a girl being topless in his bed.

To be fair, I go into hookups with an "I hope I get off" attitude (okay, fine, with me it's more like an "I had better get off, or else this was totally not worth it" attitude), and I have a strict "give and receive" policy: If he does not give an orgasm, he will not be receiving one. I don't think I am particularly fussy or hard to please - I generally know what I like and I don't mind pointing someone in the right direction - but with some guys it seems to be a fruitless effort.

That being said, the give and receive policy also usually determines the boundaries of a hookup for me. If he goes down, then I don't mind doing the same, unless of course I am tired and just want to go to sleep - if that's the case I'll just say something alluding to the fact that I'm done and really don't care whether or not he is and then go to sleep (fine, I'm a jerk).

I guess I am just curious to know how other people feel out hookups. I know everyone has their own comfort levels, and experience, but really how does either person in a hookup know what the other wants if it's not explicitly stated? What are most people hoping to do, expecting to do, and willing to do? I pose these questions in an "ideal" situtaion, I mean no pressure, what is the natural prorgression of a one-time (or maybe just first time) hookup? Are college students usually just hitting doubles, and how rare are homeruns?

It seems like not that many people (here at least) have (or have had) "casual" sex. With a few exceptions, most people have only had sex with a few people, but I have run into some guys (Mad, for example) who assume that if she's naked in your bed, she's all for it. One thing that I'm happy about is that, even the few guys I've encountered who are expecting to fuck first, talk later, none of them have been disappointed, or put any pressure on me to do anything I didn't want to. I've found that I set the boundaries in bed, which is good - but maybe that's why I'm not worry to get naked and hop in.

Textual Tension.

2006-11-29T00:31:00.000-05:00

If you missed it in the title of the post, there has clearly been some new developments in my strictly textual relationship with Chuck. Also in case you missed it, I think I am so clever punning textual off of sexual. Get it, "textual" and "sexual" rhyme. Not to mention, they are both (strangely enough) accurate descriptions of my relationship with Chuck when he was here and since his departure.

"Did i ever tell
u i don't like
u cause i like
u too much and
u scare me"

followed by,

"Oh little moth
if u only knew u were the
flame and i the
miserable
moth...so the cycle goes."

I tell him too much. I must stop it. He's too interesting. And also too far away. I would like to be friends with him, but I think it's too precarious a situation for me to bother investing myself in further.

No Nik update, sadly. But in awkward "oh geez" news, Mash, the cafe military man, has invited me to a humanist panel next Monday. He thinks that I will have some thoughtful commentary that will really add to the event. I think I am flattered by the ego inflation, but not nearly as impressive as seems to think.

I never followed up with that last post, but I'll get to it at some point. It's just some general concern about attachment, Chuck, and rehashing some of the tensions that arose last year between me and Court.

That seems kind of heavy. I think I'll start tomorrow with my thoughts on Hand Jobs instead.

Truamatic Tuesday.

2006-11-28T09:55:00.000-05:00

It's 9:56 ante meridiem and I am sitting in the cafe debating whether or not I want to start working on the paper due at 10:00pm tonight. Twelve hours and four minutes. Scratch that, three minutes. Kanye West is playing on the stereo and my motivation to do anything but sit and sip my double-shot-non-fat-two-splenda-packet mocha is absolutely minimal.

I haven't seen Nik yet, but maybe today he'll stop in and say hi, like he did last week when I apparently missed him. I don't know what happened to Gato Guy, but I kind of miss him. I never even got to make out with him.

Last night I went on a texting rampage. It was probably a horrible idea, but I couldn't help myself. I sent a text to Chuck, because I'm actually worried about Courtney. I'm worried

Elaboration to come.

O, miseram me!

2006-11-27T21:05:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I'm a geek. Whatever.

Why do we have so much work in college? I thought it was supposed to be Collllllllllege, woot woot, party time. Yeah, right. Anyway, Mash, the military man from the cafe, facebook messaged me. He said he would love to continue our conversation. Hmm. We'll see what happens there.

A guy that I am pretty sure I met on that night out with Mad facebook friended me. I don't know why. I don't really know anything about him, other than the fact that in the four minutes that I was in the same room as him, I really wanted to make out with him. Surprise? No.

I just tied up a ton of loose ends and I feel like I've been super productive today. Unfortunately, I still have a ton of work that I probably should have done over the long weekend. But I didn't. So fuck.

I am so spaced out right now, I can't form complete thoughts. Liz and Elise came to visit this weekend, which was amazing, of course. Liz says Nik. I say I don't know. I don't know if that's even a remote possibility at this point, so I don't want to settle on something that might disappoint. Kit says Mr. Perfect. I say, sweet Jesus woman what are you thinking.

I would like to date someone. A regular booty call would be my preference, but then again I'd also settle for something else. I don't know what that something else is, but I'm kind of sick of having to get dressed and go out in order to... oh you know.

That reminds me, I've got a question (primarily for people who are unattached) that I'm curious about:
After a recent hookup, do you feel like you want to hook up with someone more than after it's been awhile? Okay, that sounds kind of confusing, but I mean, if you hook up with someone and the next weekend you're at a party, are you more likely to try and find someone to hook up with than if you hadn't hooked up with anyone in awhile? In other words, does time make you more or less horny.

Discuss.

muddled.

2006-11-26T14:11:00.000-05:00

I am in the middle of doing laundry with Mr. Perfect. He brought me a brownie. Granted it was from his flight back to school (which indeed was upgraded to first class), but he knows I love brownies, and it was a sweet thought. I told him it was disgusting and we resumed our fake-fighting over everything thing. I think we should just get married. He likes to tease me about not having any guys in my life (like I would tell him), but I think he just likes baiting the hook. Today he told me that I couldn't find someone better than him. He said it as a joke, but I think he thinks it's true. The sad thing is, it probably is, but what's even sadder is that I will probably wind up settling for less. I can't even tell where "we" are anymore. He is very open that last year he persued me, but then this year he calls me drunk and has kissed me twice. So what do I think? I think I should stop kissing him back (though isn't fair that it's completely my responsibility, since I have also been drunk when these kissing episodes have occured), and figure out how he feels before I just make things even more complicated and confused.

I don't know what I think about Chuck. I know what I would think if he where here, but he's not. So instead I like the thought of him. I think that's the only reason I'm into him at all. It's a dead end. It can't go anywhere, and he is good to talk to. I think he likes having really personal relationships with everyone though. I don't think I should feel special or doted on just because he calls or texts. I think he likes the reciprocity of attention, which I appreciate too. It's nice to have someone to share things with that won't judge you. I don't know how many other people he's sharing things with, but I like the fact that he's three thousand miles away and has no way of throwing things back in my face.

As for Nik, I am kind of excited for him to come back because I want to see where things stand. I mean, I really like him, but I don't know. Things have moved so slowly and I have no idea what he thinks or feels about anything. I don't even know if he thinks there is something to be thinking about. It's annoying. I hate talking to him when other people are around - at least other people who know about the thing that I've been thinking about (confused yet?) - because they always give me false hope. Like Court the other day, who said that he was staring at me the whole time we were talking before dinner. The dinner, before that fateful text message. Or Kit who claims that at the dinner conversation between her, Nik, the Ex, and myself, he wasn't really talking to anyone else, and then she went on to point out that he did stay after until she and the Ex left just to talk to me. UGH. So much for carpe diem.

I just need this weekend to come so that I can make out with SOMEONE and get all of this other stuff out of my system.

it never stops

2006-11-25T12:57:00.000-05:00

Okay, so a few guys I haven't mentioned on my blog, but who of course are still in my life: The Hippie, and Mr. Perfect.

Now, Mr. Perfect's name is a little deceving, because although he is technically "perfect" he just isn't perfect for me. I've just never really been attracted to him, which is a problem since he is theoretically perfect. I mean, he's attractive, tall, warm, loving, sweet, nice, very intelligent, smart, comes from a good family, blah, blah, blah, gag me, blah, blah, blah. In ten years I'll probably kick myself for not marrying him, since he's going to be a doctor and probably cure cancer. But right, even if I wanted to, dating him wouldn't work out. Mostly because of an incident that I'll refer to as "the incident," and I'll probably explain one day. Okay, fine I'll explain it now, I was his date to a thing and hooked up with another guy in the men's room. Whoops. Happens to the best of us I suppose. Long story short, his friends hated me, and of course they didn't believe my story, which was that nothing happened. I had just "wandered off" on my own accord. Yeah. Right. He did believe me, and even if he didn't, he was willing to forgive me. It was a lot of drama that lasted the entire year, but hey, whatever, we've gotten past that. His friends are even okay with me now.

Regardless, on to The Hippie. The Hippie is kind of my ideal. He's adorable, has these intense blue eyes, and can hold eye contact like none other. Sometimes in the middle of a conversation, while his eyes are locked with yours, you'll swear that you're in love with him. His eyes are just so beautiful and intense, they make you all tingly. Anyway, last year we would see each other all of the time in the dining hall, and this year he lives on the other side of campus, sadly enough. We talked via email all summer, even though he was half way around the world, and so it was sad when we got back to campus and didn't talk nearly as much as we used to. Anyway, I'm still pretty much enamoured with him, when I see or talk to him, which is why I was so excited when he called yesterday.

I guess I should explain this. The Hippie called yesterday, just to say hi, which was nice. It was even nicer that he said we both have to take responsibility for not having seen each other, and that we should change that. Yes, Sir. He's at home now, but hopefully we'll hang out this week. Sadly enough, last time we hung out, we got stoned together and it was a lot less fun than not being stoned together. I don't know why, but it was super awkward in my head. We were alone in his room, and we had been having a great time before hand, but I guess that just killed it.

I'm hanging out with Mr. Perfect tonight. That should be good. Or weird. Or something. He's texted me for the past week asking to hang out and stuff, and today he sent me a bunch of texts saying that I was "a cutie" and the like. I dunno. I dunno.

Help.

home for the holiday

2006-11-24T02:18:00.000-05:00

So this post is rather unnecessary, and is going to be completely bland, but I wanted to post something anyway.

Chuck texted me today while he was on a roadtrip with his family. He wanted to know if he could call and read me a poem while he was in the car with them, and then I could talk and he would listen and "nod."

I would have been incredibly flattered, except he called Courtney first. They were friends first, so I guess I can't really be disappointed or jealous. When he did call, it was a cute conversation. He helped brace me for Turkey Day, but I think i talked too much to let him read the poem. Plus, I think he read it to her already and it would have sounded strange to read the same thing twice.

Alright, I'm off to finish the night off with the move "Halloween" on AMC with Mommy Dearest. Oh yes, we're all about tradition in this family.

sixty-one and counting

2006-11-22T20:53:00.001-05:00

Chuck sent me sixty-one pages of poetry last night.

I really liked a lot of them.

What is wrong with me? We were on the phone for an hour yesterday in the middle of the afternoon, and then between the texts and the emails - I don't even know.

Seriously, why isn't he just here?

also

2006-11-22T20:45:00.000-05:00

Lefty is in a band and they just released new music. It's amazing. I don't know how to tell him, but if he ever needs a groupie, I am first in line.

It went from like to lust at first listen.

um, awkward?

2006-11-22T20:21:00.000-05:00

Okay, another teaching assistant sitting around the cafe decided that I would be a fun weekend venture or something of the sort. We'll call this guy Mash, for his support of the military. He was in special operations for five years, so he's got a lot of reasons to support the military.

It started out innocently enough, there was no one really around since it is the day before Thanksgiving, and I was working. I didn't have much to do so when he ordered he struck up a conversation. We talked about uninformed political opinion, my apathy towards the military and politics, and my own general lack of information about everything that is important to someone who has spent five years working in special operations. Strangely enough, it wasn't a one-sided conversation, as I explained to him that so many undergraduates are propents of causes they don't completely understand.

Anyway, long story short, we talked for about forty-five minutes, which was interesting. He was cute, but not my taste, his hair was buzzed short and his eyebrows were kind of thick, and I wasn't really into the whole post-military thing. Later he asked me to friend him on facebook (he was afraid he wouldn't get my name right), and then a few minutes later asked if I would be interested in getting together later.

I guess this really is the only time in my life that older men are going to be so easy to come by. Maybe I should enjoy it. Maybe I should at least try and get a few free dinners out of it.

flake.

2006-11-22T13:28:00.000-05:00

My life has gotten rather bland and I've been at a loss of posting. I do have to post Nik's last text though:

"Enjoy the break! And upon our return, we shall do ice cream...happy thanksgiving!"

According to Courtney, he is weird. According to the resident dean of my dorm, he is weird.

Why do I think he's so normal? For the record, Courtney used to think he was awesome. To quote, "he's someone you would want to have pillow talk with when it was over."

Kit said the text was weird too.

Bea said that he was just weird.

Am I missing something?

not that bad.

2006-11-21T14:31:00.000-05:00

Okay, so maybe I was being just a tiny bit dramatic yesterday.

Okay, maybe I was being very dramatic, but that doesn't matter because today when I woke up I had a text message that made things a lot better.

Yes, it was from Nik, and yes it did make me feel a lot better about life.

still awake.

2006-11-20T22:13:00.000-05:00

I haven't responded to his text. I guess it wasn't the blunt and harsh "no" that I made it out to be. It was a bit more like this:

"Ah i'd love to but i'm setting work stuff in order followed by rehersal and may not be back until midnight! Thank you very much for the offer though - i"

I don't know what the "-i" was going to be followed by, but I am curious what it might have said. Bah.

I hate boys. A lot.

What do I say?

no

2006-11-20T20:53:00.000-05:00

No.

I'm going to bed.

seventeen minutes

2006-11-20T19:50:00.000-05:00

. . .and still no response.

Seriously, the anxiety is nothing to laugh at.

maybe, just maybe

2006-11-20T19:41:00.000-05:00

I am at the social level of an inept sixth grader.

Courtney just texted Nik from my phone inviting him out for ice cream. Yes, ice ceam. Yes, as in weird, awkward, pseduo date situation. No, he has not responded, No I don't think he is going to.

Life is awkward. I am awkward.

Now I am almost nervous.

dashed expectations

2006-11-20T10:23:00.000-05:00

Well this weekend officially went from being "the greatest weekend of the year" to "I lied around in bed all weekend because it really was THAT miserable."

So even though it was a weekend full of parties, and a weekend full of students from other schools, it still wound up being a terrible weekend. At least Friday night was bad, and I decided not to take my chances on Saturday.

Friday I went out with Courtney, we started pregaming in her room since alcohol restrictions were supposed to be really strict all over campus. She had already started drinking before I got there, and I had no idea what or how much she had to drink. I had my Bicardi and diet coke, as per usual, and then Eric came over and began to help me down the bottle (it was the small just over liter sized bottles).

Court has a drink from it, I had walked out of the room to see a party outside for a few minutes, but I told her not to drink. I began getting on her case about it, which of course pissed her off since she was drunk. Then Eric started being an asshole about it and I started to tell him not to drink in an effort to get her to stop drinking.

This tactic worked for all of no minutes, as he just got really annoyed that I told him he should stop drinking since he had a 7:30 swim workout in the morning. Really, I know for the most part he can control himself. He almost always winds up getting up in the morning and taking care of all of his responsibilities, I just wanted him to get the message to Courtney who had already pinned me as the "bad guy."

Finally we left, once the rum way gone of course, I was tipsy, but definitely not drunk. They wanted to go to the party they knew they could drink more at and I tried to drag them to another drier party for the sake of sobering up. Of course they didn't want to listen to me, and I would up getting into an argument with Eric as I was trying to explain to him why I wanted to stay there. He kept on saying "whatever, she's fine, whatever."

So I slapped him. Maybe I was a little more than tipsy, but even if I had been sober he would have deserved it. Depsite the fact that he might have deserved the slap, it did little to make the night any better. It made things a whole lot worse. He got angry at me and when we left the first party and headed to the second he was being such a jerk that I decided fine, he could take care of her all night, after all, he said he would.

So I left the two of them in the courtyard in front of the party they had wanted to get to so badly. I was in there for an hour flirting with a guy who happened to be hooking up with this almost cute, but really not girl, which was fun and actually kind of hilarious. I might post about it later, only because it was funny, not exciting in the least though.

I kept trying to call Court from different phone numbers because I really wanted to make sure she was okay, and I was afraid that she would be pissed from earlier and screen my calls. She is a testy drunk, but I really did just want to check in. She wasn't picking up and I was a little worried, but figured she was just having a gay ol' time with Eric, when I got a call from him. She was taken to the Hospital.

It turns out that she had a BAC of .385 - the average person is completely billgerent and incoherent at .2, and .1 is the legal driving limit in most states though it's trying to be lowered to .08-.09 in most states. Yes, she was almost four times higher than the legal limit. The hospital said that she was fortunate not to have gone into a coma, and that it was lucky she got there early enough for them to treat her.

I yelled at Eric that night for over an hour. I was crying and yelling, and yelling and crying. It's not so much that I blame him for her actions, but I just wanted him to see what made him contribute to what had happened. He actually thought it was okay for her to drink straight from a handle, which she apparently chugged.

I got back to my room at close to four and I was beat. The next day I didn't really feel like drinking, and I just slept. That night I was still kind of bummed out and just spent some time with Court, and then sat around watching Scrubs online. It could have been a great weekend - Epic even - but it wasn't.

Le Sigh.

no is the new yes

2006-11-17T20:35:00.000-05:00

I might as well have lost my virginity last night, because my midterm sure as hell fucked me this morning.

I went to a "Goodbye Rummy!" party in honor of Rumsfeld's resignation. It probably would have been a great party, if that midterm wasn't nagging me. It was probably good that I left though, because if I had stayed and gotten drunk, there is the distinct possibility that I would have tried to hook up with this guy Courtney has a "thing" for. I didn't leave *because* of that, but It was probably the biggest perk to leaving. Aside from getting sleep.

Bea came out of the blue today. I seriously just need her here. Maybe if she were here, I would have life figured out and I wouldn't need to literally try and spell everything out on a blog. Anyway, she does not approve of Nik. Everyone else does, but she says that he just isn't... right. She thinks Austin is great though, as does everyone else, and that he is cuter. Yes, Austin is a tall, dashing guy with a great accent, but I don't know. I just like Nik. Dammit.

Tonight my plan is pretty much to get drunk and molest him. I'm sick of waiting around for potentially nothing. I'd rather just see what happens and at least know what's going on than this ambiguous "lets-hang-out-but-not-make-plans-so-just-see-each-other-in-passing-and-then-hopefully-talk-but-definitely-not-make-out" thing. WHAT THE HELL, isn't he bored of talking yet? I sure am.

Nik went to a movie tonight. He did not ask me if I would like to attend with he and his friends. I am beginning to think I'm over this. Maybe I'll make out with Austin just to spite him. If I didn't like Austin so much as a friend, I would totally be all over him tonight. Obviously I would get him good and drunk so that he wouldn't object. No is the new yes - at least if you're a young gentleman that I am looking to go home with.

My midterm was horrendous, in case you were wondering, and had missed the first line of this post.

a mite problematic

2006-11-16T10:26:00.000-05:00

Okay, so usually I don't get distressed over male affections, but an invitation for what could be potentially a "date"-esque thing worries me.

There is a guy, whom we'll call "Martian" for a reason slightly to obsecure to explain, who is a good a friend and I really enjoy talking to. He was one of the guys I had a long dinner time conversation with the other day. He is one of the few people that I really LOVE talking to about nothing and everything.

We're not "close" friends though, and we just recently became friends, which means our relationship hasn't quite been thrust into the "friendzone" yet. I hope we're getting there, but his recent request for companionship to a movie could be taken two ways. 1.) We're friends and moving steadily in the friendzone or 2.) I don't want to think about it.

I know it sounds a little arrogant for that to be my first assumption, but I don't really think it is. I haven't given too much context to the asking, but let's just say that there is the distinct probability that I am moving into the friendzone alone in this relationship.

Dammit.

even better

2006-11-16T00:55:00.000-05:00

This is about a thousand times better than anything I could ever post. Watch it. Love it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xP7_CsMiWW4

YouTube is the greatest thing to come out of the internet since porn.

yay for me.

2006-11-16T00:42:00.000-05:00

I am the new Resources Development Chair for the public service organization here on campus!

I'm excited!

Yay.

I had a four hour meeting. I didn't have time for life today, let alone my beloved blog. Tomorrow I have Sociology lecture, so expect a doozy of a post. Hopefully I'll have good news about Cafe Guy. . .

Oh, and it's the kick off to the Weekend of Mass Destruction! The weekend we honor the first American university rivalry. Fuck Friday mornings's midterm, Hello Thursday night's debauchery. This is the weekend of "The Game."

forgot. again.

2006-11-15T15:25:00.000-05:00

I completely forgot to post that I forgot to meet Politico for dinner last night. Luckily I showed up in the dining hall a half an hour later - to meet Court - so I told him I had gotten the times confused.

He was really nice about it, but looked really happy that I actually had shown up. He asked for my phone number and told me that next time we had plans for dinner, he would make sure that I couldn't forget.

It's too bad that I am such an asshole that I forgot about forgetting about ten minutes after it happened.

The word "forgot" is getting a little redundant, so I'll just end this post by saying that I won't forget to post something that's interesting enough to remember later.

i must be dense.

2006-11-15T01:48:00.000-05:00

My overachieving roommate has been stealing my ADHD meds.

The only thing that surprises me is that I didn't see it coming, or catch her earlier.

That being said, I really must be dense.

exposed

2006-11-14T22:36:00.000-05:00

I just trudged out of my room to take a quick break from my two hours of concentrated studying. As you may remember, I am a devote follower of The Naked rule, which is why I decided to peel off my sweat pants and stained long sleeved T-shirt and put on something more appropriate to be seen wearing in public.

The dining hall puts food out at night for students who might need a little more substance for a long night of studying, which means that half of the dorm is usually either sitting around the round tables in study groups, alone huddled in front of their computer screens at the end of the long tables, or hoarding food in the servery. The likelihood of running into someone that A.) I have hooked up with B.) I want to hook up with or C.) I am not sure whether we hooked up or not is pretty high, especially on a Tuesday night, since a "normal" campus social scene only exists from Thursday through Saturday - from Sunday through Wednesday, the dorm dining halls are the closest things you'll find to a party. Except maybe the library. Yeah, we're mutha' fuckin' party animals.

Consequently, I thought I might run into Nik who is a frequent late night scavenger, so I decided to throw on the Jeans I had been wearing earlier and a little black hoodie. Val was on her way out and I didn't want to make her wait up for me, so I told her to give me a fifteen second countdown - big mistake. By the time she got to fourteen I thought I was pretty much ready, I had zipped up on jeans and had one arm through my hoodie. I didn't even bother grabbing my card or my keys since she had hers.

As soon as we got to the stairwell, I started to put my hair down, out of the "tight bun" 'do that I don't think anyone should be seen in outside of their bedroom. I was pretty focused on finger combing my hair until we got into the dining hall. By that time I was confident, cool, and collected. I looked around and didn't see Nik or anyone else I like running into (male or female), and I was a little bummed, but more hungry. I made my three sandwiches (peanut butter and jelly, jelly, buttered toast, and butter and jelly on toast... if anyone cares), and then Val and I awkwardly strutted out trying not to drop any of our precious cargo, which in addition to our sandwiches also included a bowl of cereal, three cups of milk, and a cup of tea between the two of us. Like I said, awkward.

Anyway, I saw this guy who lives with Lefty on our way out of the back entrance and he kind of gave me a funny look, which I obviously assumed was in response to the feast we were carrying. While we were making our food, Val had tried to introduce me to one of our next-door neighbors, who was having a hard time looking me in the eye - or even directly at me - and kept averting her eyes out of my direction. I just assumed that she was shy, and passed it off, just like I passed off the funny look from Lefty's roommate.

When we finally got back to our room, and I had put down my plate and cups, I suddenly realized why they had been acting so strange.

My hoodie was unzipped right down to my navel. Yes, my bra was exposed. Yes, my bright pink bra with contrasting lace trim was fully visible to anyone within ten yards of me. Yes, it was embarrassing. No, I have no idea how many of the 60 people that I walked past noticed. No, I don't want to know.

On the bright side, at least I was wearing a bra.

in case you were curious

2006-11-14T19:59:00.000-05:00

Cafe Guy did not stop by today. I did find out however, that he came in last Thursday and waited around for awhile. I am guessing that's what prompted his message, which makes me even more giddy than I thought I could possibly be... especially over a guy that I don't really know. This means I'm going to have to look nice on Thursday - afterall I don't want to disappoint.

I didn't see Nik at dinner, despite the two hours I spent there. I had some really interesting conversations with a bunch of people I don't get to talk to nearly enough. I know I should have come back and started work earlier, but sitting around talking made me feel so much better about life.

I missed a dinner date with this guy, whom I'll refer to as "Politico" because he's really invested in, you guessed it, politics. Politico is really cute and technically perfect, and I think if I act interested I might give him the wrong idea. It's a vibe, and I could totally be off, but for some reason I don't think he just wants to be friends. I made that mistake once already, and trust me, I do not want to do it again. One day when I have less work to do I'll probably write a post about the greatest love that never was, but for now I think I am going to stare at my Latin notebook until my face goes numb.

tired tuesday

2006-11-14T16:39:00.000-05:00

I could not sleep at all last night. Maybe it was the excitment of Cafe Guy's facebook message (probably not), or the warm afterglow of my conversation with Nik (also probably not). Instead of happy thoughts keeping me turning over and over in my bed, I think it was worry. I'm worried about Court, who has a lot of intense family problems arising at a time when she's still trying to figure out how to fix her own problems. I'm worried about my academic standing, mostly due to the Science course I am taking that is pretty much devesting my GPA and overall emotional stablity. I am worried about officer elections tomorrow, which are going to take up a lot of time that I don't have this week because I have a midterm in the afore mentioned science course, which I could quite possibly fail. I am worried about not being able to sleep, which makes it even harder to sleep.

I think the best course of action for all of these worries is denial. There is nothing I can do other than get through my work, and try my best at the things I can't control. If I deny to myself that I'm worried about any of it, maybe I can convince myself that I'm not, that I don't care about the outcome and rest easy knowing that I did what I could.

Obviously I am mildly neurotic, so no matter how much I try to pretend I'm not anxious about everything it won't make me any less anxious. At least I can usually fool other people.

Denial aside, my next most appealing option is distraction, which would pretty much amount to fixating on more the more enjoyable things in my life like boys, blogging, or organizing my shoes in the manner most efficacious to acessorization and space maximization.

Speaking of my shoes, I think I am going to arrange by color and heel size.

my day is made

2006-11-13T21:58:00.000-05:00

"i havent seen u lately... i guess i got your shifts wrong..
days are perfect for a hot chocolate...mmm
c u
*****"

Hot. Hot. Hot. That's all I can say. The 28 year-old hot Chilean graduate student has officially made my day. Night, whatever. I am in lust! The shop was closed on Friday, and he surprisingly didn't come in on Thursday, so I haven't seen him in just over a week. I wonder what to think of the message. Maybe he just wants some hot chocolate. Maybe he wants sex and hot chocolate.
Yum.

You never think that someone might actually be thinking of you. I spend a lot of time thinking about guys (in case you hadn't noticed), but it always surprises me (in a good way) when it turns out that one of them is thinking of me.

I wonder if his thoughts are as dirty and inappropriate as mine. God, I hope so.

verbal vomit

2006-11-13T20:30:00.000-05:00

Okay, I think I can officially diagnose myself with social Tourette's syndrome. I don't want to be too "un-PC" here, but I seriously cannot control what comes out of my mouth around Nik. At least I finally started to be able to actually speak around him. This is an improvement. The quality of what I say, however, could still use some work.

Before I get ahead of myself, I should give some context to my proclamation of social ineptitude. I went to dinner with a friend and after sitting for awhile, guess who walks in? Yup, Nik. Guess who he is with? Yup, the Ex. At first I was a little off put by this sighting, and it provoked a pretty mouthy reaction. Obviously the most terrible scenerio came to first, which is that they are still hooking up (if Catholics do that), or even worse, that they had resumed dating. They sat in a seculded table in near the entrance of the dining hall that was just out of sight of me and my friend. We resumed focus on our own conversation after a few minutes of talking about Nik and his Ex, whom my friend happened to know from random pre-college get together, but I continued to silently wish that the Ex would spill something or drop her tray.

As much as I was unhappy about the Ex presence in *my* dining hall, she did ultimately make my night. As she walked by to put her tray away, I waved and then in a move completely out of character, I invited her over to join our conversation. She took a seat and I asked her opinion on the matter being discussed (one-sided friendships), and I sucked her into our bubble. Maybe subconsciously I knew the logical chain of events would include Nik coming over, but lets just pretend I was being friendly.

If you didn't catch that, Nik came over to the table. Then the Ex left. Then the friend left. Then it was Nik and I. We sat down and talked for a long time, mostly about professors, a little about his roommates, and then about some other stuff. The details are a little fuzzy because I was trying really hard to make eating barbaque tofu look cute. Or at least not disgusting. Anyway, he was funny and interesting, and I was amused. I hope he was too - despite the overwhelming smell of the barbaque tofu.

They started wiping down the tables, the table we were at in particular, and that was our cue to leave. He didn't have his swipe, and my new one was just activated (my, how the tables have turned), so we walked through the basement tunnel to get to our respective entryways together.

We then proceeded to talk for another half an hour on the stairs of the basement, and the entire time I kept saying things that I immediately regretted saying. I mean, I didn't insult his mother or anything like that, but I would just start babbling uncontrollably, which is a clear indicator of my inability to handle any sort of even potential emotional attachment. He just looked so cute and I thought if I stopped talking that I might do something I regretted. Like kiss him. That was the thought that kept running through my mind while standing there, and anytime I shut my mouth I had the urge to just plant one on him. So, I just kept on talking. It wasn't a completely one-sided conversation or anything, but to be totally honest, I wasn't really listening to what he was saying, it was a huge distraction from staring dreamily into his eyes. Okay, maybe staring dreamily into his eyes isn't exactly what I wanted to be doing, but it sounded a lot better than "mentally undressing him" or "visually molesting him."

There was one point where neither of us were talking and it just about killed me. Why didn't I just stick my tongue into his mouth while I had the chance? It was quite, no one was around, we were just standing there looking at each other, I was so tempted, but instead it was just another round of verbal vomit. I must have talked about everything that has happened to me in the last month while we were standing there. I didn't even manage to carry out my movie plan. I didn't ask him about what movies he likes, I didn't invite him to watch one. No, instead I talked about Latin, tea, and my affinity for exploring dirty old basements. Seriously, that is what I talked about.

My mouth is completely and utterly useless sometimes.

my favorite reason to go to class

2006-11-13T14:22:00.000-05:00

So I went to two out of three of my classes today, which much better than I have been doing in recent weeks. I used to be such a good student and balance out all of my responsibilities, but now I feel like I am just all over the place. I'm keeping up with my extracurricular commitments, and I'm actually nominated for three positions in the student public service organization, which is incredibly cool and quite an honor to me. Classes have taken a backseat, and for the most part I have been happier, until procrastination bites me in the ass and I have a Latin translation, a problem set, a response paper, and other assorted homework assignments staring me in the face.

Alas. It's my own fault, so I can't really complain about it so much as try and find a balance again. A huge part of it is motivation, which I've never really lacked, but I'm having trouble equally distributing right now. One saving grace in my Latin class is my professor. He is young. He is British. He is sexy... in a totally awkward, geeky way. You know underneath that tweed jacket (yes, he wears a tweed jacket almost every day), there is an animal waiting to be unleashed. That was the most cliche metaphor I think I have used on this blog, but it is suitable for the fantasy that plays in my head every Monday and Wednesday from 11:00am until noon.

I think I have a "thing" for older authority figures. Maybe it's a fetish, maybe it's a phase, whatever it is I need to get it out of my system. Maybe if I have a fling with my 28 year-old Coffee Shop suitor ("Cafe Guy" from now on) I'll get over it. Since high school I have always had a purely sexual crush on at least one of my teachers. In high school it was my math teacher, who always managed to say or do something that almost crossed the line. All of his actions and words could easily have been interperted in a strictly non-sexual way, but my dirty mind liked to think that he knew exactly how I might be taking it. Ha, even "taking it," sounds dirty to me. His wife never liked me, which I always found a little strange, but I doubt it was because of all of the "extra help" that I asked for, or the hugging, or winking.

Last year I used to daydream about a stats teaching assistant. He wasn't even that cute, but there was something about his crunchy-hippy vibe and love of teaching that made him a suitable fantasy. The next semester I had a Latin teaching assistant who often verged on inappropriate, asking about my private life, keeping me after class, and definitely practicing grade inflation. It wasn't that I was attracted to him, but I was attracted to the thought that if I really wanted, I probably could take full advantage of his position and not only "earn" an A with my extra effort, but have control over someone with some form of authority over me.

This semester, its my Latin professor. He is refined, and the accent really does me in. He's married or engaged, which makes the thought of him even more enticing. I love the way he makes eye contact - it never fails to get my attention. He is relaxed in a slightly uptight way, which makes me wonder what he would be liked in bed. Considering the fact that he is a Classical scholar, he would probably be dominating and virile in the bedroom. Very Virgilian, think Brad Pitt in Troy. I have heard that his wife, fiancé, special lady friend, or whatever is a gorgeous lawyer, and that she is moving from her practice a few states away to be with him. If that is the case, I think there is some merit to the assumption that he is good in bed.

I think inappropriate sexual crushes are fun. I don't think I'll ever act on one, no matter how much I want to, for a few reasons. The biggest one being that I don't know how I would initiate it. I think it would be interesting to hear from people who have had illict affairs with a professor, teaching assistant, or even more taboo a high school teacher.

For now I'll just be content with my dirty fantasies - they're pretty much what gets me up to class on Monday mornings.

foiled again

2006-11-13T01:21:00.000-05:00

Dammit, he doesn't list his favorite movies. This plan is already not working out the way that I had hoped.

I'll just have to be a little bit more pragmatic. Next time I see him at a meal, I'll dig around for his favorite movies, or movies he should see. Maybe I'll force him to watch Annie Hall with me. If he hasn't seen it, he should. If you haven't seen it, you should. I think he'd really like it, and if he doesn't then I don't think I can like him.

that's good, right?

2006-11-13T01:11:00.000-05:00

I saw Nik at the House Masters' Open House tonight. We talked some, and then explored the landing of the house, which was gorgeous by the way. I wish I didn't just bottle up around him though. I have a mouth that usually won't quit, and for some reason I'm having trouble talking to someone I always talk to. Blah. We still managed to have a pretty good conversation, despite my sudden inability to speak. He apologized again for his texts not getting to my phone yesterday - I don't know if I mentioned, but he said that he texted me a bunch of times yesterday and that I didn't respond, and he's assuming that his phone is screwed up, and blah, blah, blah. I guess I believe him, I mean technically God will smite him if he's lying, right?

Anyway, I don't like this weird little tension thing going on. I think this week I am just going to ask him if he wants to watch a movie or something. Maybe I'll invite him and Austin to go see a movie or something, which would take the pressure off of everyone involved. I could be super creepy and stalk his facebook profile, figure out his favorite movie, get it from the library and then causually ask him if he would like to watch it.

That is an absolutely genius idea, and I think it is going to be my next course of action with Nik. Maybe I'll get Courtney in on it, or possibly Austin (although I wouldn't tell him why I wanted to watch a movie with him), just to make it less awkward.

Okay, I have officially regressed to the emotional mindset of maybe an 11 year-old.

the naked rule

2006-11-12T17:19:00.000-05:00

After an hour and a half of sitting in the reading room looking at facebook and repeatedly checking my email, I finally went back to my room to take a nap. Since work is clearly something that I am not doing right now, I thought I might as well fill my beloved friends in on why I do not wear sweat pants to the dining hall.

I can never just "leave my room" even if I'm just running out of my dorm for a second, or even just going to get something to eat in the dining hall. I doubt that anyone except for those who have actually shared a room with me have seen me without makeup on, and God forbid that anyone catch me with my hair in all it's unbridled glory. That being said, a lot of people wonder about my strict adherence to public upkeep, especially when they know that I am not a neat, organized, or particularly put together person in the privacy of my own room.

The answer simply put is "The Naked Rule." The Naked Rule, or "TNR," is one of the few unwritten bylaws of social interaction that I have taken to heart and internalized. The Naked Rule states that the more naked someone has seen you, the better you want to look everytime they see you after that - in clothes especially. Following TNR is a personal choice that doesn't reflect on how much I care about the opinions of the guys I've hooked up with, it's actually just because I want to always have the upper hand. Whether they've seen me naked, topless, bottomless, or clad in anything that covers less then you would feel comfortable with your mother seeing, then they fall into the category of someone who has seen too much of me. Subsequently, I would just rather look better than worse if I happen to bump into them again later on. When I moved out of my freshman dorm into an upperclassmen house, I thought I would be saved the trouble. Unfortunately I moved into a house chock full-o-boys that I managed to fit into my Freshman year weekend rotation. When I ate at in the Freshman dining hall, I always managed to at least look decent. I had a lot of guys that The Naked Rule applied to.

This year TNR has evolved a little bit. It now also applies to mental nakedness. As in the case with Nik, who has not seen me in anything less than appropriate (he didn't even see my Halloween costumes), I still feel like he has seen more of me than I would like. I actually told him that I liked him and thought he was cute, which is true, but I don't know what that means and until I do, I don't want him to see me looking less than "moderately okay" to "good."

The Naked Rule seems a little shallow, but lets be honest here, how many of you want a guy that you've hooked up with to see you looking your worse? There is a vulernablity that stems from a guy's knowledge of your body and The Naked Rule is merely a way to try and side-step it. The rule is not meant to be applied to a boyfriend, or even a close friend that you've accidently hooked up with, but really just guys that you don't want to have any more reason to judge you or picture you naked every time you see them. I know that very few would probably care if they caught me in my sweat pants, but for my own sake and sanity, I perfer it.

On that note, I am going to slip into some Seven jeans, touch up my eyeliner, and go to dinner.

an IHOP affair.

2006-11-12T13:40:00.000-05:00

For breakfast, brunch actually, I had blueberry pancakes, sliced hashbrowns, and scrambled egg whites. Doesn't that seem like something straight off of an IHOP menu?

As classy of a lady as I am, the point of this post isn't about my Sunday brunch. It's about the fact that Nik was there. We talked. I sat next to him. I am gettting past the nervous awkward thing. It is so strange, after the events of Thursday night transpired, everything changed. Things got weird. We went from being friends who would talk about everything and anything, to being friends who kind of awkwardly said hi. Things are much better now, three days later, and I hope that something happens rather soon or we go back to being friends. I can't stand this awkward in between.

Brunch was good though, we got to make fun of Austin and chat about last night and our agendas for today. I sat next to him, abandoning my seat at the table with Courtney, Kristen, my house masters and their son - who is very cute by the way. I told Nik I would be spending the day studying in the reading room of our house library, and I kind of hope he stops by. I also kind of don't. Le sigh.

and...

2006-11-12T02:28:00.000-05:00

I was also lucky enough to find half a bag of pretzels. They had gotten a little chewy, but they made waiting for my soup to cook so much more bearable.

space cadet

2006-11-12T02:27:00.000-05:00

I had a stellar night, despite the fact that I am a certified space case right now. Nik hosted a party and invited Courtney and I to attend. We chatted and it was cute, but then he had to run. I don't know, I don't know. He definitely seemed interested, but I don't know how I feel about it. I don't like this nervous/awkward thing going on. Honestly, Alice in Wonderland made more sense to me than whatever is going on with him. Then again, I think Alice might be a little closer to my state of mind than Nik - afterall, she's the one seeing hookah-smoking caterpillars and disappearing cats, so I am relatively normal next to her. Please disregard the fact that I just compared myself with a cartoon character. Jesus, I'm stoned. Oh, like you didn't know.

I'm going to eat my Thai Kitchen bowl of noodles now.

taco day

2006-11-11T16:37:00.000-05:00

I slept through lunch again today. This is the second week in a row that I have missed build your own taco day in the dining hall, my favorite meal of the week. I really need to start going to bed before the sun comes up. I'm not doing myself any favors staying out until five in the morning and coming back and eating noodle bowls.

I've decided that I actually like Nik. I don't generally get anxious about a guy, but with him I want him to call because I want to hang out with him. I want to spend some time with him. I don't just want to play "I'll Show You Mine, If You Show Me Yours." I don't just want to watch his flatscreen TV. I don't want to just makeout. Okay, maybe I do kind of want those things too, but they are completely secondary to just hanging out.

Then again, maybe I just like hanging out with him as a friend. I mean, that's worked out so far, the only difference was I didn't feel like a geek waiting around for him to call me. Usually I am fine with these things. Usually I don't actually *care* about these things. Usually I do not go for the "nice" boys. In fact, I generally tried to avoid nice boys like the plague. Am I going soft here or something?

Will someone please explain to me why the nice Catholic boy hasn't called, why I almost made out with my Eastern European (thank God, his friend was visiting last night), and why my alarm didn't go off to wake me up in time for taco day (yes, I am so pathetic I set an alarm to make sure I woke up before 2:30 in the afternoon and still slept through it)?

.

same hot pot.

2006-11-11T05:59:00.000-05:00

Different soup.

Before I forget, I should mention that after last night's condensed mushroom soup debacle, even in my drunken haze I managed to preemptively avoid another such situation. Tonight I stopped at 7-11 and bought "Asian-style" noodle bowls. Thank you Jesus for inventing the Shin Bowl, and of course the Thai Kitchen Hot & Sour soup.

I was a $1.48 short for my purchases, but a little song and dance later, I had enough Asian-style noodle bowls to be content.

surprise

2006-11-11T05:16:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I went out. It's now 5:10 in the morning and I've just arrived back to my humble abode. You didn't really think that I would let a Friday night slip by without doing anything, now would I?

I am really angry at Courtney. Actually, really, really angry. This is what she had to say to leaving me waiting for over two hours:

"probably but we both know im a bad person. im going to sleep. not fighting over this. inevitably losing over this. you can bitch at me tomorrow. but my phone dying and not calling you and going to sleep is not so horrible"

That was it. Not even sorry. I had actually been kind of happy about the way my night turned out before I got back. I honestly need to evaluate my friendship with her because it is seriously becoming very one-sided. In the last twenty-four hours she has elbowed me in the face and then completely ditched me tonight. Then she claims that she didn't call earlier because I would have been "antagonistic." Yes, I would have become hostile if she broke off plans fifteen minutes before we were supposed to leave, but a hell of a lot less hostile than I am now. I should get trashed and punch her in the face. It's her excuse for elbowing me yesterday.

Fuck that.

Anyway, about my night. I went to the party that I had been planning on going to, but I guess I missed it when it was at it's peak. My Eastern European man came to my rescue and brought me in, so I didn't have to show up alone afterall. My dress got a *very* positive reaction, and I have to say, I am pretty pleased with my outfit. I actually got a stairwell full of boys sitting there trying to think of words to describe the dress. The final verdict was "Dammmmmmmmn!" They were drunk. I was drunk. The objectification was not protested.

I flirted with many-a-young men, but I had just missed Italia. Instead I played nice with my Eastern European man, a boy who I had begun talking to at the end of the summer, and a few others. I wound up walking over to my Eastern European man's apartment, which was pretty nice. I hadn't been there before and I can't say that I wasn't impressed.

My Eastern European was being quite the gentleman and told me that he's always meant everything he's said to me, in particular the drunk love confessions. He was sober, which made his late-night alcohol induced proposals a lot more heartfelt. Sort of. It was funny to see him say a lot of those things in person. I was pretty flattered, which is probably why I wound up walking hand-in-hand with him to his apartment. He had his arm around my waist most of the night and I kept expecting him to kiss me when we were alone, especially when we were standing outside of the club and then again outside of his apartment. I also wasn't expecting his friend to be visiting from NYU, so when we got upstairs there wasn't even a mood to kill. We were all just hanging out.

Tonight was a lot of fun, but I kind of wanted to kiss my Eastern European tonight. I think it is because I was (for the first time in history) more drunk than he was, and he was just being so sweet. Add that to the fact that I am a little insecure and upset about Nik not texting me back, being angry about Courtney, being drunk, and not wanting to come back to an empty room and you've got all the ingredients for a completely regrettable hook up with a friend that you never meant to hook up with. I am really glad nothing happened, but he just looked so cute in his tux tonight.

Chuck sent me another poem that I really loved. I just emailed him back, and if he's up, I hope he calls or emails me back. I could use some company. Especially company that is too far away with to make out with. I need to settle down for a few days (or weeks, rather), and just figure some stuff out. Tomorrow is Saturday night, so we'll see how well I stick to that.

scorned.

2006-11-11T01:02:00.000-05:00

So Courtney ditched me. The party started an hour ago and I have been trying to get in touch with her for the last two. I am all dressed up, I want to leave, but I absolutely do not want to go to the club by myself. I texted my Eastern European and if he'll come meet me, then I'll go, but I just think it's a bad idea to show up to a gentlemen's club by yourself. I mean even if I know some of the guys inside, I still don't want to make it obvious that I am alone. It's part precaution and part pride.

I am actually really pissed. If she had told me earlier I could have found someone else to go with. Now it's 1:00 in the morning and clearly anyone that's going out tonight is already out. Now it's Friday night and I am really unhappy, looking cute, and sitting in my room.

Not to mention Nik never texted back. Yesterday was like a manic high and tonight is just a low. I had such high expectations for tonight and now it seems like everything has just kind of fallen to pieces.

Blah. I think it's time to get out of my dress, turn on some Avril Lavigne or other laughably angsty chick rock and try and fall asleep.

weekend wonderland.

2006-11-10T17:18:00.000-05:00

Final Punch Dinner after party tonight at my current favorite gentlemen's club.

Italia will be there. My Eastern European man will be there. I would not be surprised if Mad shows up too.

For some reason, I have a feeling tonight could get very very interesting.

this took a turn

2006-11-10T15:11:00.000-05:00

I had turned my ringer off. He did text me back.

"You there now? I'm constructing the insturment"

Phew. I was getting a little worried, which makes me think that I might actually like Nik. I'm hesitant to say that I actually like him after a long conversation with Beatrice last night. She pointed out that I might just like the idea of him. Yes, I've thought he was cute since I met him. Yes I've liked him as a friend and had one of those "I wish I knew you better" type crushes on him. But, no, I never actually considered hooking up with him. Or "dating" him.

I actually really liked his roommate (whom we'll call "Austin") for a lot of last year, and I definitely was closer friends with Austin up until this year. One day last spring Austin and I went to a park in the city and ate Italian pastries and laughed about pigeons and people for hours. It was hot. I actually thought there might have been something there, but that fizzled out pretty quickly. Nothing ever happened after that, we just stayed friends, which was definitely for the best.

Anyway, back to Nik. Bea pointed out that I might just like the fact that he was so cute and charming and niave. She also pointed out that I might not like those things for very long. He's not planning on putting out for anyone anytime soon, which sounds ideal for a virgin like me, but even then I don't think we would see eye-to-eye moralistically. I wouldn't want to have to be the aggressor either, which brings us back to the question of dominating versus domination. I like it when a guy knows how to lead the way, but then again, I also liked the innocent tension of last night. I feel like I missed out on that since I never had a boyfriend or really "dated" anyone.

The last time I had any build-up before a hook up was last semester with Eric. And Jesus Christos, did I regret that. He was such a good friend and I liked him, but never in a way that I wanted to act on it. I liked that he would come over before meals and invite me to his room to watch the Soparnos. Hooking up pretty much killed all of that. After that one night, he just kind of got colder. I mean we're clearly still friends and we were still friends then, but all of a sudden he wouldn't call me without calling Courtney first. He wouldn't have me over alone. Unless he was drunk. Then he would go back to doing the touchy-feely thing, but it never lead to anything.

Then he broke my face. That killed my erection completely. He was giving me a piggyback ride after we had consumed a box, yes a box, of cheap rose wine (do they make "classy" rose wine?). I had to get eight stitches in my face. He was really sweet for that entire night though, I'll give him that. He held my hand the whole time and sat with me on the steps of the library while I cried for a couple of hours. Then we went with me to CVS to pick out cute band-aids to cover up the stitches with. A week later, school was out for the summer and I didn't see him again until this fall. Last night was the first night I think I've ever really gotten mad at Eric. Even when we (it was both of our faults) broke my chin I realized that the blame was shared. We were both drunk and I should not have gotten on his back. He should not have offered me a piggy back ride and it was a complete accident that he tripped. In terms of things cooling down after we hooked up, I realized it was probably for the best. It would have really screwed things up between me and him, him and Courtney, and most importantly me and Courtney. As they say, it takes two to tango.

Last night when Eric threatened to beat up Nik and told me not to go anywhere with him, I just attributed it to him being drunk and protective. Then when he started doing the hugging and being super physical, I got kind of mad. I mean I was furious when he actually hit me, but I realized that he was drunk and trying to joke around like we do when we drink - he thinks it's funny to try and get me to him him... long weird story. Anyway, it was more the trying to throw me into his bed, and stroking my hair, and pulling me onto his lap that made me MAD. I was drunk at the time, but even in retrospect it's not fair that he gets drunk and starts acting like an overbearing boyfriend. ESPECIALLY in front of Nik. Eric hasn't even been very warm at all since the Architecture in Helsinki show, which was the last time he was really sweet and doting when he was drunk. We were at the show and he picked me up to make sure that I could see the band play all of my favorite songs.

It sucks that I liked him for so long and I was fine with just being friends, and now that I don't like him he acts like an asshole. When Courtney called him and told him what had happened last night (at least as much as she had heard from me, which was pretty much "Eric hit me"), he didn't call to apologize. All he said to her was, "I think I need to work on some of my anger issues."

Now I've gone and worked myself up. Blah. This post started out so happy and cute and it got really angry, really quickly. I do feel less mad at Eric about last night though.

what to do

2006-11-10T14:31:00.000-05:00

When there is nothing to do.

No classes. No work. No schedule. Consequently I have been sitting at my computer for way too long today, pondering some of the great questions in life. Some questions that have arose include:

Dominating or being dominated in the bedroom, which do guys and girls prefer?

French fries or tater tots, which is the better processed potato product?

Was it wrong that I threw the bag full of the paper towls I cleaned the soup up with into the hallway causing the hallway to smell like condensed cream of mushroom soup, but saving my own room from smelling like it?

Should I have told Court about Nik and talking to Chuck last night? (Probably not).

Is global warming really THAT bad, I mean it's so nice outside?

Does a devotion to Jesus make a guy sexiar?

How much would it hurt to pierce your nipple? Maybe I'm a whimp, but even my ears hurt a lot. Why would you peirce your nipple?

Should I have sent that last text to Nik saying "that was a warm hello in the dining hall"?

Discuss.

hmm...

2006-11-10T13:48:00.000-05:00

So I just saw Nik at lunch (breakfast for me) and he didn't say hi.

Granted I walked past him with my head down and purposely avoided eye contact, but I would much rather place the blame on him - afterall, he's the one who has yet to return my text. The ball is in his court. I did my part.

I am thinking of texting him again. I don't know what to say though.

For the first time in a very long time, I am at a loss for words.

Dammit.

How Fantastik.

2006-11-10T12:19:00.000-05:00

I definitely knocked over that hot pot full of soup about two and a half minutes after that last post. At least Val won't be subject to two day old soup that looks like it might grow legs and crawl when she gets back. Bottle of Fantastik in hand and still clad only in my underpants, I cleaned it all up. It would have been much better if I had cleaned it before I knocked it over, but that's just a little thing called "karma."

You know what? That isn't what karma means at all. But it sounded good, didn't it?

Anyway, I texted Nik when I got up this morning, "apologizing" for keeping him up late and thanking him (sincerely!) for his help putting Courtney and Eric to bed. He replied really quickly - literally a minute or two later - saying that he didn't wind up getting up for his 9:30am work shift anyway and asking what I was doing today. That's good right? I texted him back saying that I didn't know what I was doing today, but I really wanted to be outside. He hasn't responded yet, but for some reason I'm not doing my usual "freak out because more than six minutes have passed and he still hasn't replied to my text." I feel like he probably has a reason.

Could it be that I actually like this boy? Could it be that I really only got a kiss on the lips when I was drunk and still went to bed more sexually satisfied then ever before? Okay, by "sexually satisfied" I mean not. But I was giddy as a girlscout and I didn't care at all.

HE SAID HE LIKED ME. Okay, I'm back to the hyperventilating.

details

2006-11-10T11:53:00.000-05:00

Life is all in the details. After looking at last night's post, I realized that I left out some details that really characterize my life.

Before any of the emailing happened I tried to make a can of Target rand condensed cream of mushroom soup in a hot pot, almost naked of course. When I am drunk alone in my room, a pair of underpants is pretty much my uniform. Making the soup was not an easy feat nor was it even worth the effort, but I my drunk munchies were a force to be reckoned with. I needed food and I needed it bad. I also polished off the rest of that bag of caramel covered Bugles, which were still disgusting only now they were also soggy and chewy. To paint the scene for you, I was squatting over a hot pot stirring the worst smelling concotion while eating a bag of soggy Bugels.

I have no shame.

To be fair, by the time the soup seemed ready I had sobered up enough not to eat it. It's still sitting in the hot pot in a corner of my room. That, my friends, is not going to be fun to clean up.

...I hope Val comes back from New York and washes the hot pot before I have to.

6:07am

2006-11-10T06:17:00.000-05:00

I just got off the phone with Chuck. If you are not surprised (and delighted) by this, then you are clearly not me. Or you probably haven't read any of the earlier posts.

A quick timeline of our relationship:

1.) Meet in September 2.) Don't speak for a month. Pass each other on the street without acknowledgment. 3.) Meet again at a part. Crawl through a dirty basement. Read poetry. Make out. He gets chased off by a security guard. 4.) Facebook messages one-three. 5.) Facebook Friendship and messages four-five. Email. 6.) Hour long phone conversation. 7.) More email.

Did I mention that 5-7 all happened tonight? We're not even in the same state. Not even on the same coast.

Why do I feel strangely satisfied?

one more thing

2006-11-10T05:00:00.000-05:00

I forgot to mention that Chuck emailed me. He stepped it up from Facebook. He sent me two more poems. I really enjoyed them both.

Okay, I lied, I really enjoyed the one I read. I haven't read the other one.

. . .I was too busy hyperventilating about Nik.

i love

2006-11-10T04:18:00.000-05:00

Life. It's an absolutely wonderful thing.

The champagne was everything I could have hoped for and then some. I didn't make out with anyone. I got kissed. Yes. Kissed. Not with tongue (get yo' mind out of the trash!), but a gentle on-the-lips-we're-both-kind-of-nervous kiss. Oh my lord. I've never been that nervous before. Butterflies and all. The anticipation was almost unbearable.

Okay, not to get ahead of myself I'll try and explain what happened before I sober up and remember all the details that are too embarrassing to think about.

The night started pretty early, at dinner to be precise. I saw a young man that we'll call "Beatnik" or "Nik" for short, in the dinning hall when I was rushing back from tutoring. Nik has been a friend since my first days in the freshman dinning hall, but I never ever thought that anything would ever happen. Not because I didn't want it anything to happen, I've always had a little bit of a crush on him, but I just never thought it would. To be totally honest, I've always been a little intellectually intimidated by him. He is so articulate and witty (Jesus, I sound like I am writing a personal ad) that every conversation with him always leaves me impressed. Anyway, tonight I ran into Nik at dinner and it was the first time I had seen him since I found out that he had dated a girl here - he didn't know that his roommate had told me this little gem of information. Apparently they had tried to keep it a secret, but were pretty exclusive for about two months. Not a very long time, but long enough for the girl to count as an "ex."

I asked him if he were sitting for awhile and he offered to sit while I ate and guess who else was willing to sit and wait with us? Oh yes, the EX. Stupid exes. The worst part about her being his ex is that I like her. I had a seminar with her last semester and she is thoughtful, insightful, and interesting. What a fucking bitch.

I digress.

We wound up talking for an hour at dinner and then I asked him to swipe me into my dorm since my card has yet to be replaced. She proceeded to proclaim that SHE would love to swipe me in, but the gallant gentle man he is, Nik was not deterred. We then wound up talking on the bottom steps of my entryway for an hour and a half. She looked bored, but was not about to give up without a fight. She tried yawning. She tried saying that sitting on the steps was awkward. She tried saying she was cold. Luckily the conversation was interesting enough to defend against her complaining.

The champagne party had started by the time we realized that we should get the night going. I told him I just needed to change into pants (it was warm, I had been wearing a very cute skirt), and he said that he was going to check his email. She looked really annoyed and said she was going back to her dorm. She was pissed. I was not. To cut to the chase, she left, we met back up and headed into the party.

We got drunk off of good beer and cheap champagne and decided we needed to go on an adventure. We were with Eric and Courtney who ran off when we wandered outside for awhile. I called and texted Court who not surprisingly did not return my calls and texts. I called Eric once and he was on the phone screaming at me to come to Lowell. Before we even got into Lowell Nik and I found Eric stumbling out drunker than Mel Gibson at a Bar Mitzvah.

I won't rehash the whole Eric ordeal, but lets just say that there is some background information that might make this part of the story more interesting. If you don't know it, I don't think I am going to take the time to fill you in. Anyway, Eric starts being really drunkenly aggressive. He actually told me that he was going to "beat up" Nik. I don't even know what that means coming from him. He wouldn't listen to anyone, except for me and he kept on hugging me and being weird. Like really, really, weird. It took forever to walk Eric back to his room and by the time we got there I had taken quite a beating. Literally. I had been dragged, bear hugged, squeezed, and just generally put through the ringer. I was just really glad that Nik stayed around to help, he was a trooper.

Once he got back to his room things got even more weird. Eric started stroking my hair and at one point pulled me on top of him in his chair and refused to let me go. Then when I finally got him back into the room where his bed is (no, it's not a bedroom), he stood in the middle of the room, pulled me in for a hug, pushed my hair out of my face and pulled up my chin. At this point I was so weirded out that I almost ran to get Nik out of the bathroom. He had only been out of sight for about two minutes before things had gotten out of hand.

We finally pretty much just pushed Eric into bed, set his phone alarm and his radio clock alarm and left. He was black out, but not comatose. When we left we had to go back to Lowell and find Courtney. We found her. She then proceeded to confess her love for Nik (awkward) and dance with him in a way that definitely did not involve a third party. At one point she actually elbowed me in the face. Sweet.

Nik convinced her to come back to our dorm with us (yes, he lives in my dorm; yes, that's awesome) and once we got her back we were standing in the main foyer. The same main foyer Chuck was chased out of Halloween weekend. So much tension. He had his hand on my waist. He played with my hair. He leaned in. I leaned in.

THEN SOMEONE FUCKING WALKED IN.

Once they left it was really awkward standing there, so he walked me to my entryway. We were back to where we started. He started babbling in a very un-Nik like fashion. He was actually not making any sense and talking about vaccums or sky scrappers, or something completely random and incoherent. He wasn't that drunk, but I had no idea what he was talking about. Finally I just kind of put it out there and told him I thought he was cute.

That did not solve the problem and only brought on more uncontrolled banter. Once we both realized that we had been sitting in the hallway for over an hour it became an issue of now or never. I was standing in front of him and his back was pressed up against the railing. Then it was just a quick kiss on the lips. Then a hug. Then an "I like you a lot."

He said "I like you a lot."

One more time: "I like you a lot."

Pretty fucking unambiguous. Then he left.

He helped me put two drunk friends to bed. He put up with being molested all night. He was a perfect gentleman. He kissed me on the lips. With no tongue. Oh my God.

Speaking of "my God," did I mention he was Catholic? Yeah, like the kind of Catholic that goes to Mass every Sunday.

Oh God.

Oh la la.

2006-11-09T15:07:00.000-05:00

Italia waited for me after class. This is the second time we've walked back from class together. It's probably the most innocent beginning to a (hopefully) non-platonic relationship (I used that word loosely) that I've had in awhile. Possibly ever. Too bad I had to defile it by picturing him half-naked. Again. It doesn't take a penis to objectify someone.

We don't have class tomorrow. Apparently there is a "holiday" on Saturday. I am guessing it's one of the fake holidays like "Presidents' day" or "Veterans' day" or "Christmas." Tonight there is a celebration in my dorm for its 75th anniversary. This means free champagne. That means I will be drunk. I hope you can figure out where I am going with that train of thought.
I'm really glad we have this little shindig tonight because I am most certainly out of alcohol, which is never a good way to start a weekend.

I have to go mentor (yes, I mentor; no, I am not completely shallow) in an hour. 32 minutes actually (where the hell does time go?). I'm glad I'm going to be doing something constructive and positive with my day. It will make me feel less guilty about anything that happens tonight - I've already done my good deed for the day, thank you very much.

*For the record, a shot of rum has about 96 calories in it anyway, so it's only about a 30-50 calorie difference depending on the beer. If you're not using a diet mixer/chaser you're probably downing more drinking the hard liquor anyway. Just a little FYI in case anyone was wondering or cared.

Comments section

2006-11-09T14:39:00.000-05:00

Now anyone can comment. That doesn't mean anyone can "judge," we'll leave that for Jesus.

i tried

2006-11-09T13:53:00.001-05:00

To pay attention. It didn't work. My mind is still not on religion. In fact it's pretty much in the gutter right now. It's not my fault though, the boy in front of me is pretty cute. He was the one who walked me home on Halloween night. I bet he looks good without a shirt on. Yes, I am sitting here imagining him without his Italia hoodie and stripped polo. Yes, I am a little turned on.

I mentioned him in a post on Tuesday when I was sitting next to him. After much consideration, I've decided that he gets a name, especially since he Facebook friended me yesterday. We'll call him Italia after his hoodie. And his all around Italian-American-ness. He is the person in the room I would most like to make out with right now. Mostly because I know he must have a great chest. And arms. And I bet he'd be good and forceful. Not violent forceful (I'm not into that, but if you are more power to you. Or less... Jesus, how did I end up on this tangent?), but that kind of "I want you so bad, I can't control myself" kind of forceful.

. . .and suddenly I need a cold shower.

recap

2006-11-09T12:34:00.000-05:00

So last night I got stoned and saw my high school Latin teacher. I'm sorry, I'm still not over it, I needed to recap it for myself.
I also got that very interesting message from Chuck, which made me smile.

The sexy 28 year old Chilean man didn't come into the coffee shop today. This is the first Thursday he hasn't come by in about a month. He usually comes on Thursdays and Fridays and we chat. The shop is closed tomorrow, so I guess we'll have to wait until next week. I've promised him some hot chocolate via a facebook message (I told you I was a stalker). I was surprised and quite delighted when he actually messaged me back and friended me. If you want to know the extent of my stalking skillz, I'll tell you this much: I knew the first three letters of his name and that he was a Graduate student. It turns out that he's actually working on his third degree and first graduated grad school in '05. I thought he was 23 or 24, but no, he's 28 years old... going on 29. Maybe I shouldn't have let him see my facebook profile, which clearly annouces that I am NINETEEN. Not illegal, but definitely not socially Kosher. Whatever, I'd still like to see where it goes. I'll just put it out there - I totally want to make out with him.

I'm sitting in Sociology class and everyone is asking asinine questions and trying to look smart. I kind of what to punch them all in the face. Unfortunately, that isn't socially Kosher either. It's not that I think I am smarter than everyone in the class, I just can't stand when people feign interest and pull questions out of their ass to try and impress a professor who doesn't even know their name. If you have something smart to say, go ahead, say it but if you don't, fuck you, shut the hell up. I used an excessive amount of commas in that last sentence, but I tend to over punctuate when I'm upset. Apparently there is a book we were supposed to read for class. Apparently.

I have adamently refused to get a new ID card to replace the one I lost last Saturday. It will be my third card this semester and is going to cost $40, which is absolutely ridiculous. Then again, so is standing in the rain for ten minutes waiting for someone to let me into my dorm. If I can hold out until February then I'll save twenty dollars in exchange for my dignity. It's my own fault, I really need to stop losing things.

Jesus Christos, we're talking about religion. I wish I could be religious. I used to be Catholic and I guess I still am. Sort of. I don't go to Church, I dropped out of CCD before my Confirmation, and the last time I confessed I was still being walked home from school. But I'm a virgin, so HA, Jesus still loves me! I feel kind of dirty writing about making out with a guy ten years older than me while being asked to considered how I envision God and how that affects my sociological view of religion.

Deep... A little too deep if you ask me.

and i quote... again

2006-11-08T23:58:00.000-05:00

"your tongue was quite fun"

What a facebook message to receive. That was how Chuck ended a message to me. I'm flattered. And stoned.

I went to a concert with Courtney tonight. I saw two bands and had to leave before the third one. It was far too overwhelming in that club from me. Not only was I surrounded by people who were constantly trampling on my person space boundaries, but I also so my high school Latin teacher. Yes, you read that right, my high school Latin teacher. I used to have the biggest crush on this man, who is incidently an alum of my college, and just completely fawn over him. Once he called me a "Latiness" and I swear I almost passed out. Now tonight, I see him drinking a beer in a dingy basement club. Not only was I completely disillusioned, but since I was stoned out of my mind, I couldn't even comprehend what was happening. I think I scared him when I tried to act normal. Social interaction was not coming easily to me.

Anyway, I am about to respond to that message, which was a lot longer than the excerpt that I posted. There's a poem and it looks good, so I am about to have a nice long read. And then sleep. Oh yeah, and eat that Portobello and Goat Cheese sandwich on a soft roll from Au Bon Pain. And that bag of bugels. And the bag of pretzels.

and i quote

2006-11-08T17:39:00.000-05:00

"Who the hell doesn't like oral?"

My friend asked me this question after she read an earlier post. Frankly, I can't answer that question. Apparently there are some girls out there who don't like it, but to each her own. I think it's probably mostly a comfort thing. A lot of girls are really weirded out by their vaginas and the last thing they want is some guys face getting up close and personal with it. Honestly, most guys after the age of 17 know what they're getting into, and I can't imagine that it's anymore trying to put your mouth on a vagina than on a penis.

Regardless, from what I've gathered from one friend is that there is just a general insecurity about it. I think it's in the same vein that girls don't (or say that they don't) masturbate. On the whole it's just less accepted and less acknowledged, even though no one really thinks it's weird. Maybe I should thank my eighth grade sex education teacher for asserting: "Why shouldn't everyone do it? Doesn't matter what you've got, it feels good." After a semester of that being reinforced on my impressionable young mind, it never seemed like such a huge deal. Ms. Allen also hinted to us that if a guy or girl is afraid of the opposite sex's genitalia, they're probably gay.

guilty

2006-11-08T13:06:00.000-05:00

Right now I am lying in bed listening to the sounds of a rainy afternoon. Wet tires rolling down JFK street. Drizzle hitting my window. The tidal wave of cars that drive too close to the curb. I have absolutely no motivation to do anything I should be doing. I have a section at 2:00 o'clock this afternoon in a building half-way across campus. The ten minute walk from my bed to section is enough of a deterrent on most days, but that coupled with the rain pretty much means I will be lying in bed all afternoon. I went to my 11 o'clock class, skipped my 10 and 12 o'clock lectures, and now I am planning on skipping my section too. Oh, and tutoring this afternoon is out of the question. What am I doing with all of these extra hours? Working on the five-page paper I have due tomorrow in my sociology class? Catching up on all of the Latin I've been ignoring for the last week? Read the book we're discussing in my sociology section tomorrow? No, no, and no. I am lying in bed, blogging.

This blog is clearly going to become a guilty pleasure, one that I will have to add to my ever growing list. Celebrity gossip magazines (and blogs of course), VH1 specials, designer jeans, and Facebook round out my top five favorite guilty pleasures.

I woke up this morning with no new text messages or missed calls, in case you were wondering. Courtney said it best when she said: "it doesn't matter what he might have texted back, good, bad or whatever, what matters is that there was no response." She then went on to remind me that sending the lyrics to the Oscar Mayer Wiener song was kind of weird, and maybe he just didn't know what the hell he was supposed to say. Whatever. I'm pretty much over it, my ego has taken bigger blows before.

Besides, I spent lunch time basking in the sight of Lefty, the current "I don't just want to make out with him" like of my life. Lefty is the one I had the intense conversation with the Friday of Halloween weekend. I decided that "Lefty" was an appropriate name for him since it's his left-handed bowl that is currently sitting in my desk. We didn't talk, but I don't really care, since I know that I could have if I had really wanted to. I spilt a glass of milk and had to clean it up and a little part of me was kind of hoping he would come over and help, afterall he was only about ten feet away sitting directly in front of me and I obviously could have used some help mopping it up. High hopes. Chivalry really is dead. Then again, Court didn't help me either and she was sitting next to me. In my fantasy world guys jump to the rescue of a girl (me, specifically) no matter how big or small the problem, but I think that holds true for most girls to some extent. Who doesn't want a dashing young gent to rush over and help her clean up spilled [...spillt?] milk? Fuck femininism, bring me a knight in shinning armor. And an Us Weekly, of course.

oh fudge it

2006-11-07T23:55:00.000-05:00

I am going to bed.

The "oh, i wish i were an oscar mayer wiener, that is what i truly wish to be" text message was clearly not taken as I had intended. The song was stuck in my head, I thought it would be funny. Apparently, not.

Instead of obsessing over the 43 minutes that have passed since I sent it at 11:07, and wondering why on earth it doesn't even deserve a response like "Um, I have to go to bed, you're weird, let's never talk again." Instead nothing. Except hurt pride. and TV sounded so good tonight.

I guess the episodes of Law & Order that I downloaded on iTunes will have to do one more night. Even if I've already seen them all. Twice.

For the sake of the pride that I can't seem to shut up about, I probably shouldn't admit that I turned the ringer on my phone up. Just in case. I doubt I would even pick up at this point or respond to a message. I just want the satisfaction of knowing that I got to end the conversation.

blah

2006-11-07T23:21:00.000-05:00

have you ever sent a text message that you IMMEDIATELY regretted? A Facebook message?

Yeah, I thought so. This is the immediate regret part.

it's raining

2006-11-07T23:03:00.000-05:00

and I would much rather be watching television.

I guess I am disappointed. I wanted to watch TV and curl up. Maybe it's selfish disappointment, but it's still disappointment.

Okay, I guess I am a little curious as to why he hasn't called. That part is harder to admit. Don't get your panties in a twist, it's not attachment, it's really just boredom and pride. Okay, maybe a little more pride than boredom.

Dammit. Stupid pride.

This will get old

2006-11-07T18:52:00.000-05:00

But for now, it's still exciting. Three posts in one day is kind of sick, especially when I am trying to work on a paper. And do my Latin (Yeah, I know, Latin is dead, blah, blah, blah... fuck you). And clean my room. Instead I am sitting on blogger doing exactly what I told myself I wouldn't be doing. I guess it's better than Facebook.

I just can't decide whether or not I care if he calls. I don't think I do for any reason other than my room is cold, I don't have a television, and I am horny. His room is warm, he has not only a TV, but about a million DVDs and cable to boot, and he is good at what his does with his hands. And mouth. Goddammit.

It's true what they say, you can't miss what you never had, but I think sex might be the big exception. I feel like I'm missing something whenever I think about the fact that I'm not having any. I think it's probably because I don't have any religious qualms about it, or even really clear moral grounds on the matter. I just have dated anyone long enough to validate having sex with him. I have had friends who just had sex to get it over with, with varying responses. I think the only thing that I really worry about is the attachment issues. I mean, after holding onto something for almost twenty-years, you're bound to miss it when it's gone, right? I guess I just don't want to look back and regret it. You always remember your firsts, don't you? I mean, your first bike, your first kiss (shudder, I kind of wish I didn't), your first crush (my older brother's friend Lucas, he was in sixth grade and I was in second when I first fell in love. I used to have to hang out after school and wait for my brother to walk me home and I would just stare at his golden floppy hair. He was such a badass too, he dislocated his shoulder playing structure tag one day, and was back on the playground less than a week later. Sigh. He was pretty much a rockstar in my 8 year-old eyes... what was I talking about?).

Not to defile the moment, but I still remember my first blow job. It was in a sixty-nine. I was sixteen (okay, fifteen). I know some people do the sex thing first and will only give head to someone they really love, but lets be real for a minute: oral sex does not knock you up. I mean, I'm not advocating going out and giving head to everyone you meet - especially as a manner of maintaining your virginity. Not at all, but my first time (and just about all subsequent times) a guy went down on me first, and so it didn't seem like such a big deal. Actually, the first guy I ever gave head to had gone down on me more than once, and it was absolutely fantastic. I didn't feel OBLIGATED to do it, but it seemed like a fair gesture. I've never thought the act itself was so terrible - though on occasion I get a little bored and start thinking about a new pair of shoes I want to buy - which is why I pretty much prescribe to the "give and you will receive" tactic. If you go down on me, I'll go down on you. Unless I am tired, in which case I will probably just go to sleep. That may sound a little unfair, but how often do guys get a blow job and the girl gets the shaft both literally and figuratively (ha, I am so witty)? I guess the end of this thought is: If he goes, I'll (usually) go and never see it as a huge deal. It's too impersonal to get attached over, and as long as I leave satisfied, I don't really mind.

I digress... back to the "my first" experience. I liked the guy, Mike, a lot actually, but I was more physically attracted to him than anything else. He was about three years older and had way more sexual experience than I will ever have in my life - more than anyone not working in the porn industry will ever have in their life - and I let him take the lead while we were hooking up, probably more than I should have. I don't regret it and even at the time I didn't really think that it meant something "special." The hook up itself didn't really have as much impact as I thought it would, other than the fact that it caused another "first" (there were ice cubs involved... this is definitely another post). I liked him before and I liked him after. Maybe I've just never been dillusional, but I didn't mistake it for love or even like. We still talked for years after that until he became kind of a bum, and from what I hear, got ugly. I swear he used to be hot. Think Dave Grohl from the Foo Fighers. Except hot. I realized after I typed "Dave Grohl" that there are probably a lot of people who wouldn't exactly call him "sexy," "hot" or even "remotely attractive," but Mike was hot.

Now, four or five years later I am wondering about the last of the great "firsts." This had better be worth the wait - and I mean roses, champagne, and magical rainbows - otherwise it'll just be kind of disappointing. Once again, I'm not in any rush, but it would just be a bummer to find out that there was nothing really that spectactular or special about it. Think of all the wasted opportunity.

I love things

2006-11-07T14:46:00.000-05:00

Especially my iPod. Today at work I thought it broke. I almost cried. Almost. It started working right before I left, which made my already good day absolutely amazing.

Courtney used my roommate Val's tweezers to clear her Sobe last night. I was completely unaware that she had used them until this afternoon while I was in class talking to Val over iChat. She was pretty pissed that her room smelled like smoke in the first place, but once she saw the resin on her tweezers, the vein in her forehead really started to throb. I hope she's not pissed at me, though I'm not optimistic because her door is currently shut. I hope she doesn't retaliate by using my scissors to trim her pubes or something. That would not be nice.

Monday night escapades

2006-11-07T12:09:00.000-05:00

Well last night I had planned on turning in early, which I plan on doing just about every night. Around six, Court IMed me asking me to get stoned and see Borat with her - how could I say no to that? I tried being productive before we left, but instead of doing work all I did was laundry. Even procrastination can breed some form of productivity.

Anyway, four loads of laundry later we were off to the movies. Okay, that's a lie. We were smoking in my room. Her Sobe wasn't working, so we had to resort to using a bowl that found its way into my hands after a little police raid scare. It was a lefty bowl, which was weird, I had never used one before and it was rather annoying since I am most definitely right handed. Two bowls later we actually were leaving. It had been awhile since either of us had smoked out of a bowl and we forgot about the delayed reaction. We started walking out of the door before we realized, "Shit. We're kind of stoned." Anyway, we practically ran to the movie because of an intense bout with paranoia. "Do you think they'll sell out? Oh God, what if it's over?"

Not only did we get there on time, we had to wait in a line with like five people that took forever. We saw this "older" woman if you will with her 20-30 something boyfriend and that my dear friends, was a trip and a half. "It's the fucking odd couple" to quote Courtney. I thought the guy at the ticket booth was this guy, Eric, who used to date my friend Hannah. Once again paranoia struck and I acted like maybe the sketchiest person ever. I wouldn't look the guy in the eye and kept asking Court to buy my ticket, and I wouldn't let her say my name. I mean you never know, you don't want to get into one of those messy Hi/Bye situations with someone you know, but don't really want to talk to. The movie itself was amazing. Amazing in the sense that I couldn't tell what was real and what was staged and that itself was crazy enough for me, let alone what was actually going on. I strongly suggest you check out Borat, especially if you plan on seeing an "enhanced" screening.

Later I went over to Madge's room. We watched The Office and then hooked up for a few hours. Yes, hours. Stupid virginity. I don't know why I am so attracted to him, but I am. He's shallow in the way that I love, and appreciates a Marc Jacobs jacket. He's from L.A., go figure. Regardless, I have yet to tell him that I'm a virgin. That's usually one of the first things I tell a guy - I love the disappointment. In this case, I'm kind of hesitant. I know, I know, "if he doesn't respect your decision..." yeah, yeah, save it for the sex-ed lecture. It has nothing to do with him pressuring so much as me just wanting to have sex, with him in particular. Seeing as I've only met him twice, clearly I'm not just dropping trow (spelling?), but God I wish I was easy. Based on what he can do with his other extremities, I have a feeling he'd probably be pretty good. NOT FAIR. Why can't I be one of the slutty girls? Why couldn't I just have a penis so that I would jump at the chance to have sex with anyone, let alone someone I'm actually attracted to.

I told Katrina today, and she approved to some extent. Her first words were, "he's bad news," but she explained that she was basing that on an impression from her sophomore year (they're bother seniors), and that in retrospect, he was actually better than most of the douchebags he apparently hangs out with. I know he's an asshole. That's what I like. Strangely enough, he's also kind of sweet. He likes me sleeping over. He's kind of a cuddler - which I am not, but for some reason don't mind as much in this case. In the morning, I look like shit, but he still is kind of cute about it. I don't think I ever let Bob (name changed to protect the innocent), who I was hooking up with for about three months, see me without makeup. I also never slept over. Looking back, Bob was kind of a dick. But in a really dorky way. Oh well, we stopped talking after I hooked up with a friend of his while we were both in Puerto Rico. Maybe I was a little bit of a bitch, too.

Alright, maybe, just maybe I should pay attention in class. There's only twenty-five minutes left. Twenty-four. I'm sitting next to a guy who is pretty cute. He walked me home on Halloween night when I was drunk and Court and Kristen had left me in Unique Pizza. He's sweet. Maybe I'll make out with him.

Everyone's doing it

2006-11-06T19:59:00.000-05:00

The great thing about the internet is that anyone with access to a computer can use it to fuel their own ego. I am no exception. Who doesn't like to think that they are interesting and important enough to make other people take a few minutes out of their day to think about them? Maybe if I am interesting enough, you'll take a few minutes to bother reading about moi. Maybe you'll be back tomorrow for updates. Maybe you won't. Here I am, falling into the Gap, doing what everyone else is doing. I think I like it.

I'll give you a little background information on me. I go to an Ivy league School. I'm a virgin. I like to make out. And I have servere people ADD, particularly when it comes to potential suitors. It takes a lot to hold my attention, so the first thing that you'll probably notice. A lot of people will make an appearance and then never surface again. I am also a creep. Facebook stalking is second nature to me, and I am damn good at it. Give me a first name and school, and I'll fill in the rest. But we've all been there, so I guess that itself is not very impressive. I come off as promiscuous to a lot people, until they find out that I'm just a huge tease, who only "kinda" puts out. I like to spend my weekends with a constant rotation of people, and I always like going home with someone new.

Halloween weekend got my year started off, since it was the first weekend I really went out. For the weeks prior, I was busy doing too much and being miserable and unhappy about a lot of things. I decide to fuck all and make a night of it. Friday night started out a bit slow, just a house party that I didn't make it to until almost one in the morning. Sometimes pregaming takes a lot longer than we (we being my friends and myself, not the royal "we") intended it to and gets us a lot drunker than we plan. When we finally got to the party, I was a little disappointed with the selection of gentlemen. It's not that they were all terrible or unattractive, but most I know to have girlfriends. I actually got to have an intense conversation with the boy I want to make out with more than anyone else in the world, but he was stoned as hell and I was drunk as a skunk, so needless to say the conversation didn't go so well. It actually turned into a big argument, but that doesn't mean I wasn't turned on the entire time anyway.

I met a guy we'll call Charles or "Chuck" for short (see if you can figure out why when you're done reading this post), whom two of my friends talk about constantly. I had met him once before, but he was so fucked up on whatever substance, that I wouldn't say that we had ever met. Chuck had been hailed to me as a "poet," and the Bukowski of our generation. A big title for a guy to carry. Anyway, when I finally meet him, I'm dressed as a Go-Go dancer, he's not dressed as anything in particular (costumes were not required on this evening, which was still almost a week away from Halloween), and even though I looked like a hooker, he still thought I had enough intellect to be a deserving audience. We chatted and attempted to leave, but were stopped by my friend who happens to have a "thing" for him. A "thing" that becomes extremely intensified when she is drunk. Now I don't usually go around infringing on other girl's territory, but to be fair, I thought that they were only friends. This said friend happened to get really drunk and putting her to bed served as the perfect excuse to meet up and then take off together. I got in touch with him when she wouldn't go to bed without seeing him. He came over to my room, helped me to take her back to her own bed, and then we proceeded on our own adventure.

I had changed from my mini-dress and hooker heels into jeans and a tank top at this point, which was only appropriate for our night. We crawled through a basement of one of the upperclassmen dorms and found an unlocked room to listen to his poetry, which for some reason or other he happened to be carrying with him. Then we went back to my dorm and talked on one of the couches in the TV/loungey-type area. I thought that was going to be the end of the night until I walked him to the foyer that leads in and out of the courtyard of my dorm, when all of a sudden we were making out. Really, really, making out. The kind of making out that involves a lot of groping and not a lot of thinking. Not thinking is probably why we were making out in the most public place in the entire dorm. Granted, it was five or five-thirty in the morning, but that only means the security guard on duty didn't have anything to distract him from the obvious scene we were making in the main entryway.

The night security guard who used to dote on me and now gives me funny looks when I walk by, told us to break it up probably three times before he actually chased Chuck away. He literally chased him away, he ran - not walked or escourted - him out of the dorm. I thought this was funny, and it was, but it was also a little scarring. I can't look the security guard in the eye anymore now that he has seen a guy touching my breasts. It's a little embarrassing. Very embarrassing. But it was almost worth it to see him running after a guy at 5:30 in the morning for my sake. For the record, Chuck was an amazing kisser. I can only imagine everything else he'd be good at. From what I hear, he's one of the most sexual people on the planet, so if he hadn't just packed up to take a "voluntary medical leave of absence" I bet I would have been in for a great round two.

Saturday night was the more Halloween oriented night and I broke out my costume, Minnie Mouse, which came out exactly the way I had planed, except for the gloves, which I drunkenly forgot to put on before leaving. I looked great and not even that slutty, and I knew I had pretty goods odds on taking someone home when I arrived at the gentlemen's club. Earlier I had been talking to a friend about a guy that I was particularly intrigued by, and lo and behold, he was there (okay, so I knew he would be since he's a member of the club, whom we'll call Curly, but let's pretend I was surprised, alright?). Curly was being molested by a chick with a great rack for awhile, but in between her grabbing his balls and stroking his chest, he managed to find some time to say hello. It was established pretty much right away that we would be leaving together, the only problem was getting rid of the clinger. If I ever appear as desperate as this girl, I really hope someone puts me out of my misery. Anyway, the same friend who was drunk from the night before provided the perfect excuse, yet again, to leave. And my dorm basement provided the perfect place to hook up, yet again. I have a roommate in a walk-through double (you have to walk through her room to get to the bathroom and through my room to get to the door). So we just hooked up in the basement. On the couches and in random corners. I don't think I've ever had such a pleasant hook up, despite the fact that a lot of it took place on granite stairwells and a cold cement basement floor - I actually fell asleep on top of him for awhile. Curly was hilarious, we were both dressed up like idiots (okay, we both had awesome costumes that we were totally proud of), and we talked in between rounds, and I didn't wind up getting back to my room until 9 or 10 in the morning (I couldn't figure out what time it was because of the time change). It was a good night to say the least.

This past weekend was probably better than Halloween weekend. Friday night was not the most exciting night I've had, I met some people including a very cute young man, who was dressed for church in a room full of "Indie" kids. God, I hate the term "Indie." That will be a later post. Nothing happened, and I didn't particularly want anything to happen given my options that night, but I still had a fantastic time. I danced around with this girl who was absolutely awesome. She was one of those hot girls who can dance around even if other people aren't, because she knows she looks cute as hell anyway. Even though it was kind of dead when we came in, other people started dancing around. The music wasn't as impressive as you would think at a radio station party, but watching a preppy white boy go all out to R. Kelly's "Ignition" remix made up for the played out, un-ironic top 40 selection. On the way home Eric and I got into a heated argument about sex, and I had to defend my position as a virgin. I think I won, but maybe not. Courtney was kind of siding with Eric in her drunken state and I asked her how many orgasms she had during sex compared to how many during oral sex. Oral was the big winner, but Eric countered with the "not all girls like it." I think those girls are few and far between. A lot are insecure about it and others just think it's dirty. I think it's fun.

Saturday night was great, only because I thought it would suck. Then I met a guy we'll call "Mad." Mad is exactly that. Mad. He's crazy in the way that you only wish you could be. Indulgence seems to be his forte, and he embraces all things ephermal and shallow. He's like the devil that sits on your left shoulder and tells you it is okay to laugh at the fat chick dancing. I realized that he was awesome when some chick came up to him and started flirting like hell with him. She was calling him "observant" and kept on talking about how smart he was in class. In the Ivy league stroking someone's intellectual ego is roughly the equivalent to telling someone you'd love to blow them. It's a pretty outright form of attracting attention and letting someone know that you're "interested." Now most guys would have been flattered, and kept their mouth shut about any shortcommings of the girl, and most girls probably wouldn't have muttered something rude - but accurate - about a girl that they don't know to a guy that they don't know. Unfortunately, Mad isn't most guys, and I have social terets. "Does she hate herself, or does she just want me to judge her?" I muttered in reference to her God-awful belly shirt, fat rolls, and belly ring. Why would anyone do that to themselves? It was an honest question and could have provoked a pretty bad response. Instead he laughed and said, you are so right. I was so right, but I was also so rude and probably deserved a slap more than a laugh. Oh well. If you're going to think it, you might as well say it.

After that our night-long journey began. We left one club for another, he blew some valium, I drank more, then he drank more, we danced, then drank more, then went back to his room, smoked some drugs and hooked up. I don't think I've ever wanted to fuck someone more. And I don't mean "make love to" or "have sex with," I mean fuck in the most primal and dirty sense of the word. Goddamn virginity. Usually it's me telling the guy to stop. This time I had to tell myself. I mean Jesus. Thinking about it pretty much makes me want to sleep with him regardless of any moral standing I might have.

It was a good night. Until I woke up realizing that I really did lose my bag at the first gentlemen's club where I had met Mad. Somehow, leaving without my bag seemed like a good idea at the time. The next day when I was short a Coach clutch, my ID, my keys, and a new eyeliner, it seemed like a horrible idea. Whatever. I still haven't found it. The point is not having a card or keys made the walk back to my room even more shameful. Having to tell a resident tutor that I was locked out while clearly still wearing the clothes from the night before is never fun. At least it made for a good story.

This was a pretty long winded post and I doubt any others will be this long. I am bored more often than not and doing things that I'm not supposed to be doing, so maybe I'll be a frequent poster. Maybe not. I don't make promises I can't keep.